Black out
by Theindividualist
Summary: It wasn't supposed to be like this. What happened to the war being a thrilling experience, an honor to fight for the king and country? Well, reality happened. This is my story of how Captain Darling got his twitch and the horrors he went through as a result. (Rating may change as the story goes on.)
1. Nightmares can appear with open eyes

_It's always the same._

 _The acrid smell of stale gunpowder envelops his nasal cavities, just as dozens of bombs and shells explode all around him, their lethal wraths of destruction disintegrating everything unfortunate enough to stand in their path._

 _The sounds of whimpering cries and piercing screams surround him, as more groups of honorable men take their last breath._

 _Flinching as yet another shell smacks the ground, the vibrations of its remorseless actions shaking his whole frame, clutching his gun closer towards him, the machinery being his only source of protection._

 _His sanity on the verge of extinction as he's forced to look around himself, the ground strewn with stray limbs and decaying bodies scattered across the battlefield, once fine young men who now are no longer recognizable as humans._

 _Each body that plunges to the ground is a lost child, brother, friend, husband. Just one more figure to add to the long line of wasted lives, all for a senseless catastrophe of guns and gore._

 _It was supposed to all be over by Christmas, but now Christmas was nothing more than a long-lost deceitful dream. And that was two years ago._

 _Then the gunfire starts up again as if none of this really matters._

 _"Captain, watch out!" A scream of terror yells out, seconds later he feels a firm grip tightening around his shoulder, pushed to the floor where he merely misses a shell exploding somewhere above his head._

 _Taking a minute to register who had saved him from a brutal demise, he manages to raise his head just enough to look into the familiar face of his childhood best friend, Tristan, the man who had been by his side his entire life. However, he wasn't looking at the person he knew. Gone was his confident demeanor, his warm talkative manor and his witty sense of humor. Instead, he was next to a petrified man practically huddling against him, just waiting for the moment a weapon to hastily rip his life away._

 _Then in a blur of seconds, they're off again, the enemy are attacking, then suddenly his gun jams up as if it were exhibiting shell shock symptoms itself. He has to get the bullet in, but no matter how hard he tries, he simply can't. Then from the corner of his eye, he notices another gun next to him. Looking up, he finds Tristan attempting to tug out a different gun wedged firmly into the ground just a few metres away._

 _"No, take cover! The Germans are shooting, get down!" He cries, scrabbling halfway towards his friend just before his footing fails him._

 _"Come on, get down, please, get down with me!" He tries again, more urgently than the last. "For god sake, leave the gun!" He adds just as more shells explode beside them, moments later poking his head out just enough to shoot at the enemy, unsure if it had made any sort of difference._

 _But before either man could take a deep breath, an abrupt high pitched sound came shrieking through the air. "Run!" The captain yelled as both men clumsily began to make their way to wherever they could._

 _He thought they had gotten away, escaped from entering death's door for another day._

 _He couldn't have got it more wrong_.

 _It was just a matter of mere moments after the massive scare, when a vicious explosion following the attack caught both men hugely off guard, bits of dry mud were abruptly dislodged into the open air, huge chunks of it whipping the captain so hard he tumbled face down onto the ground._

 _Spitting out the bits of mud that had gotten into his mouth, he then sprang up to look for Tristan, but what he saw wasn't the way he'd liked to have seen the last of him. His eyes widening to the size of saucers as he fearfully absorbs the sights of his best friends disfigured form._

 _He was gone. No longer would he be able to laugh at their shared jokes, he would never hear him talk or see him walk again. Death had claimed his life and devoured it._

 _What made it worse, was it was all his fault._

 _He can't take it anymore, he needs to get out of here, he **has** to get out of here!_

 _All he wants is to go home, when would all this ridiculous carnage end?_

 _When!_

 _The captain now succumbed to the intense rush of panic circling his veins, tension grew in his facial features as his breathing becomes more rapid, his shallow breaths making it impossible to control himself, his vision now blurring as the overwhelming impact of the sheer horror of it all hits him like a runaway train._

 _He can't go on with this, cant cope with the guilt, he can't face this alone._

 _Then it dawns on him._

 _He's going to die, he doesn't want to die, he has so much back at home to live for._

 _It's all too much, he can't go on, someone make it stop! Please, just make it stop ..._

* * *

Jolting upright as sweat rapidly dripped down his forehead, Captain Darling yanked the blanket over to his mouth, biting it to prevent his shrill cries from escaping and grabbing General Melchetts unwanted attention. His twitch going at a million miles per hour, some of the facial ticks so sharp his neck had cracked multiple times, and painfully at that.

Attempting to calm himself down, Darling flopped his head back onto the pillow and drew the blanket right up to his chin.

Involuntarily scrunching up his facial features as an army of tears began to well up inside his sorrow ridden, lost blue eyes, his efforts to scrub them away went unsuccessful as a few stray tears had already trickled down his cheek.

Scanning the cupboard sized room as he places a hand on his heart, hammering inside his chest so fast he could have sworn it was seconds away from leaping out from his body, Kevin exhaled a shaky sigh, turning over to his right and squeezing his eyes shut as if to block out the current situation.

It had happened again.

This wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last.

He thought time away from the trenches, away from all the senseless killing and the hostility of it all would rid his soul of the horrendous things he'd experienced. It only took such a little thing to trigger the worst of memories, then once he was trapped in its clutches, there was no escape, forced to relive those ghastly times against his will.

This office job was supposed to give him a peace of mind. Instead, he lived in constant shame, frowned upon for not being out there with the rest of the brave souls, fighting for their king and country.

In their eyes, he was nothing more than a desk sucking, pen pushing, blotter jotter who's too much of a coward to pick up a gun.

Then there was Blackadder.

He was an entirely different story, and one he had no desire to write a book on.

Letting out a world heavy sigh as he wearily rubbed at the bags underneath his sleep-deprived eyes, the exhausted captain shifted himself into a more comfortable position before slowly closing his eyes, in hopes that the very slim chances of no more nightmares occurring would be granted.

But from personal experience, the worst of nightmares can also appear with your eyes open.

* * *

 **So hey peeps, this is my first Blackadder fiction and I hope this first chapter has convinced you to stick around for more to come :)**

 **Just to say this story is inspired by the story The Darling trenches by Jiminy the cricket, so thanks for inspiring me to write this!**

 **Now I like to keep an informal review section as you know, however rude reviews and flame will not be tolerated under any circumstances.**

 **Well, that is all, farewell friends!**


	2. Triggered memories

**Just to say I am not known for short chapters!**

* * *

The following morning was like any other, depressing and bitter with the continuous gunshots cracking into the air surrounding him.

Nevertheless, this particular morning was worse than most. The loss of god knows how many hours of sleep he would never be able to regain, were taking a major effect on his ability to cope.

First, he'd made a mess of the papers he was to do for the general, therefore resulting in having to spend an extra half hour placing back into order. Then out of pure frustration of having wasted valuable time, due to his lack of concentration he had to work on them with urgency, which surprise surprise didn't end well as he managed to smudge his writing so badly it would surely be deemed unreadable.

And now he was unable to order his pencils in a simple straight line.

Rubbing at the noticeable bags under his eyes, Kevin took this rare moment of silence to slam his head in his hands and attempt to pull together whatever was left of his will to live. However, his moment of solitude was not to last when the all too familiar mangled sheep noise came booming into the room, causing Darling to jolt upright as the door thrust open.

"What are you doing, Darling?" General Melchett questioned, narrowing his eyes at the captain suspiciously.

"I-I've just finished your paperwork sir," Darling stammered, hoping the generals questioning look would ease off a little.

"Mm," Melchett replied, his pondering tone creating a strange sensation within the captain's stomach. Though, it wasn't to be a long wait to find out why.

"So," the general began in a more cheery tone, "since your not busy Darling, I thought I would remind you of the celebration ceremony happening tonight."

Oh god, he'd totally forgotten about it!

If only it had stayed that way.

Besides, why anyone would want to celebrate the fact we had been at war for the past three years, in which thousands if not millions of men have been stupidly and pointlessly slaughtered, all because the urge for conflict and killing became too much of an effort not to do.

"Yes, wonderful sir," was all Darling could bring himself to say in response, not daring to express his true opinion out loud.

"Now, I have drawn up the list of everyone attending this evening and the requirements needed, however, there's one small problem."

Nothing good ever came from those words.

"What would that be sir?" Darling anxiously questioned, his eye twitching instantly afterwards.

"In my dazed rush to sort everything out I have forgotten to inform that splendid chap Blackadder and his subordinates George and the other one their invitation to the ceremony, so I shall need you Darling to telephone him immediately!" Melchett exclaimed.

Sometimes he swore the general did this on purpose.

"Uh, yes sir," Darling replied defeatedly, not that Melchett would have picked up on that.

"Jolly good then!" General Melchett shouted out, his roaring jolly tone giving the Captain a splitting headache.

"Well, get on with it man!" Melchett added when noticing Darling hadn't made a move to obey his orders, he then left the room with a dismissive wave.

As soon as he'd left, Darling thumped his head on the table, letting out a huge groan in the process, then cursing in pain seconds afterwards. Why? Why him? Why did it always have to be his job to endure the painful process of having to interact with the likes of Blackadder.

Oh, how he detested that man! Right from his satirical jibes towards every single weakness, he could spot, to the way his pompous demeanor tweaked at every nerve in his body just by looking at those derisive facial features, burning with fifty or so more sarcastic remarks just waiting to be spoken. It was enough to make his blood boil.

Unfortunately, despite his intense dislike for Blackadder, he had to be careful. One wrong move then he would almost certainly find himself swapping places with the latter, quicker than he could say charge.

"Let's just get this over with," Darling muttered to himself as he grudgingly picked up the phone.

"Captain Blackadder," Kevin stated firmly, earning himself a response spoken in the same disgruntled tone.

"Ah, Darling. How may I assist you in General Melchett's latest mission to have my brains blown out for Britain?" Blackadders droning voice grated in the other captain's ear.

"This is not the time for any of your insolence Blackadder," Kevin snapped, already on the verge of losing his limited supply of patience. "I am telephoning to inform you that you, the Lieutenant and the Private are all invited to the celebration ceremony this evening."

"Oh god," was the muffled response over the phone, and if he wasn't mistaken a heavy eye roll had accompanied his words.

"General Melchett will be expecting to see you at six o'clock, so don't be late!"

"Oh, and your not? Why that's not very courteous of you, now is it Darling?" Edmund mocked, his childish remarks getting right under the other captains skin.

"Blackadder, I must insist that you-"

"Stop with the attack on your lack of courtesy and manners," Edmund interrupted, cutting an increasingly irritated Darling off from finishing his sentence.

Now at the end of his tether, Darling grumbled something incoherent before slamming the phone down, taking a deep breath of relief at managing to avoid any more insults, at least for now. Though this evening would be a different matter.

He'd just have to hope that whatever Blackadder was bound to throw at him, wouldn't be as tedious as this celebration evening was going to be.

* * *

A few hours later Kevin Darling found himself stood in the massive dining hall amongst a swarm of bickering generals, captains, and various others all standing with an honorable drink perched in their hands.

Though unlike the vast majority of the guests, Darling chose to skip the mandatory beverage. Not only did he feel this wasn't something that should be treated with endless amounts of the stupidity enhancing liquid, but one sip of the said substance and he resembled an elephant playing blind man's bluff.

Wincing at the multiple unpleasant memories regarding the subject matter, his thoughts then turned to Blackadder, who to his major relief hadn't made an appearance. Perhaps he had decided to spare him the agony of his 'cockney wit' just this once, though now he properly thought about it, Blackadder would never show gratitude for anyone, not unless it benefited him personally.

It was more likely that Blackadder perceived this to be just as an obtuse event as he did. Another thing he hated about him. They were both fortunate to have been given the sparsely handed out gift of intelligence, yet Blackadder chose to use his to weasel his way out of the trenches. That and aggravate Darling in any way possible.

Then as if on some cue, he, the Lieutenant and that revolting mud ball walked in, his hawk-like eyes instantly spotting Darling in the corner.

"Ah, Darling," The ever so familiar voice of Blackadder began with a bored stare as he approached the fellow captain. " I didn't think you were going to show up, not with the presence of myself and the supply of alcohol involved." Darling twitched.

"Besides, I've always had you down for a five glasses of water a day man."

"Very funny Blackadder," Darling hissed, he then looked down towards his feet in hopes that it wouldn't provoke Blackadder to say anything more.

But when did that ever work?

Then just as Blackadder was about to open his mouth to hurl more imprudent insults towards him, General Melchett came over to greet Blackadder in his usual shouty demeanor.

"Captain Blackadder, how jolly good it is to see you! You too George my boy, and even this young scallywag. So if you care to take a seat as the speeches will be starting shortly!"

"Certainly sir," Blackadder drawls out, smirking towards Darling who was desperately trying to hold back a twitch.

Of course, Darling himself wouldn't be offered such a privilege, and how right he was when Melchett made no such gesture for him to join the rest of the seated men.

What a fun evening this was turning out to be.

Turns out after having to compel himself to listen to the Generals Melchettes tedious speeches and horrendous quips, a swig of alcohol suddenly seemed to become a sacred blessing.

Or rather a method of coping with the shambles that had happened within an hour of having let the event commence.

One soldier who was already beyond drunk became pretty careless of the fact that what the wine was contained in was glass, resulting in Darling being given the delightful task of clearing it up.

Then when the general asked for his speech, Darling had to run around like an escaped lunatic from a mental hospital trying to find it, earning himself sour looks from Melchett and a few others, much to Blackadders amusement.

Now to top it all off, Blackadder kept shooting him ridiculing looks. Why couldn't he just leave him alone?

Turning to face the other way as he took a fragile sip of the glass of wine he'd poured out for himself, Darling failed to see how this could get any worse.

"Now without further ado, let's do what we came to do and make a good evening of it!" Melchett announced.

Oh, it just has.

"But first I propose a toast for all those men who have served to fight for our king and country but have unfortunately been wiped out by the filthy hun weasels. However, we shall retaliate by giving the Fritz a taste of our British spunk, leading us to glory!"

While the crowd of soldiers all erupted in hearty cheers of agreement, Darling placed a hand on his chest, wincing at the sudden painful twinge berating him. Seconds later a pounding sensation attacked the inside of his head, causing the stressed captains head to loll back.

He was back at the front line, the noise, the stench, the rats feeding off of the dead bodies strewn across the trenches, being caked in mud, and _Tristan..._

Oh god, Tristan. He should still be here, he would have loved a glass or five of this fine wine. He should be here to make the day more bearable, to help him sort out that twat Blackadder. A sad smile gets halfway to spreading across his lips, then the god forbidden memory of his ill-deserved fate comes to plague him.

One minute they are huddling together out of sheer terror and cold, the next Darling is completely and utterly alone within the horrors of war.

 _No, think of something else, **think** of _**_something else_!**

Slightly short of breath, Darling snaps his head to his left.

He turns to find Blackadder staring at him again.

Sharply turning back to face the other way, the pain in his chest tightens. He knows what this is leading too.

He can't have one now, not in front of all these people, the General. And god forbid Blackadder!

He must get out of here, he needs to leave, now.

Pulling himself into a suitably stable position, Darling begins to make his way to the exit, only to find his feet unable to comply with his desperate mind.

Maybe it was wine getting to his head?

He wasn't sure anymore, but when was he sure of anything?

Gasping as he collapses into an empty chair, he jerks a little as another memory clouds his mind. This time completely masking over the harsh stark of reality as his current whereabouts slowly but surely begin to slip away from him. Staring off into the distance, he suddenly finds himself as a little boy again, playing at the park...

* * *

" _Hey, give it back!" A seven-year-old Kevin Darling cried out, frantically jumping up and down as he attempted to reclaim a wooden sailing boat, the only birthday present he'd received from the grasp of one of his childhood bullies._

" _So what if I don't, what are you going to do about it, Darling!" Henry Crilly his worst and greatly feared childhood bully of all sneered, emphasizing on his surname. All Kevin could do was nervously gulp in response._

 _This was a regular occurrence for Kevin ever since that dreadful first day at Ipplethorp primary school, where he'd accidentally tripped over his own foot and spilled his entire drink of water down Henry Crilly's lap, which made it look as if he had wet himself. Crilly had made a vow to make Kevin's life hell for as long as he lived._

 _Three years later and nothing had changed, well accept the number of boys who shared Crilly's hatred of him._

" _What is this junk supposed to be anyway?" Henry sniggered as he tossed the rather sorry looking boat to his best mate, Benjamin Thornton. "Uh, uh, don't snatch Darling," he added when he attempted to grab the boat off the other boy._

" _I-it's a s-sailing boat," Kevin stammered, his lips trembling as he spoke. "Please, just give it back."_

" _Oh g- go on Benjy, give Darling Kevy wevy his pwecious s-sailing boat back!" Henry mimicked with a false stammer in a sickly sweet voice, before cackling with laughter. His blue eyes twinkling with delight at the impact his torture was having on Kevin, as another one of his friends threw the boat back to him._

 _Kevin whimpered when catching a glimpse of the devastating state his boat was in, instantly regretting it when Henry picked up on the squeaky sound._

" _Aw, come on Darling, don't be such a big girl's blouse, all I want to do was test it."_

 _But before Kevin could question his motives, Henry had already made his way to the lake just beside them and dunked the boat into the water, a viscous splash of water shooting upwards accompanying his actions. Kevin's breathing became slightly heavier as a list of what callous schemes Henry had planned began to form within his mind._

" _Let's set sail then boys!" Henry declared with a menacing grin that was shared amongst his group of friends as he released the boat from his grasp._

" _No, stop, it's going too far out!" Kevin shouted, fear evident in his voice as he watched his boat despite having taken a brutal beating, remarkably sail off into the distance._

 _Scoffing in disbelief at Kevin's level of stupidity, Henry demanded Benjamin to fetch the boat, just before turning towards Darling with a scowl._

" _Boats are supposed to sail, dumb arse!" Henry scolded as he snatched the boat from Benjamin, "that and survive harsh weather conditions."_

" _Harsh weather conditions?" Kevin repeated out loud, a suffocating twisting sensation developing inside his stomach as he watched the leader of the bullies whispering to his friends, unable to make out what he was saying. Though, it soon turned out his wait wasn't to be a long one, as from the corner of his eye he saw Henry lower the boat onto the ground._

 _Having finished whispering to his friends, Henry then turned to look at Kevin, a mischievous grin filling his facial features._

" _TIDAL WAVE!" Henry roared, a surge of panic shooting through Darlings scrawny body as he was forced to witness Crilly violently stamping on his boat, causing it to disintegrate into tiny pieces._

" _No!" Kevin wailed as he rushed towards the smithereens of wood, that less than ten minutes ago resembled one of his favorite possessions._

" _Oh dear looks as though you've capsized," Crilly sniggered, soon encouraging his friends to laugh with him._

 _Just then, as a mixture of fury and anguish began to bubble up inside him, the scrawny seven years old suddenly pushed Crilly to the ground, moments before gathering up what remained of his boat into his trouser pocket. However, Kevin soon found himself regretting his former actions when seeing Henry's murderous facial expression._

 _Stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do! Darling mentally screamed to himself as Henry and his friends began to furiously corner him. After spending a few seconds hesitating on whether he was to let himself endure a tsunami of beatings or simply running away, he decided on the latter._

 _Making a quick dash for it, Kevin, much to his major surprise managed to successfully dodge at least two of the various swings and kicks directed his way by Crilly's gang, who he hollered at for letting him get away._

" _You better run you little toad!" Crilly yelled after him, balling his fists before kicking the nearest stone to him out of severe frustration._

 _Meanwhile, despite the numerous bruises already starting to show up on his face and legs, Kevin continued to run far out into the wooded area, occasionally getting smacked by the overhanging branches of trees. Then once Kevin had bolted through everywhere that was known to him, the scrawny seven year old drastically slowed down when realizing this._

 _But due to his increased fear of being lost, along with the fact that he was totally and utterly exhausted, as a result, Kevin then fell victim to a dizzy spell, causing him to hopelessly collapse to the ground._

" _Great," Kevin groaned when finding himself head first in a pile of mud. " When my mother told me to get stuck in with the outdoors, I'm not sure this is quite what she meant," were the last words Kevin managed to grit out before exhaustion overcame him._

 _After having let a few minutes go by, Kevin was about to carefully lift himself up from the mud and make his way home, that was until something caught his eye. Unsure whether it was his current lack of vigor toying with his mind or the fact that the entire right half of his face was caked in mud, Kevin quickly wiped it off to find a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy who looked similar to his age, standing over him._

 _Squinting in order to get a proper look at this boy, Kevin's heart began to race that bit faster as the boys terrifyingly towering height suddenly became apparent to him. The thought alone of what damage he could do if his hand connected sharply to Darlings face, was enough to make him plead for mercy there and then._

 _Although, admittedly it wouldn't have been the first time._

" _Are you okay mate?" The boy questioned, marking the beginning of a conversation he had no desire to be dragged into. However, as his list of possible ways to refrain from any further contact plummeted due to how unlikely they were to actually work, Darling had no other option but to resort to allowing his fear to guide him, without a shred of dignity._

" _Please don't hurt me!" Kevin abruptly blurted out, putting his hands up in a surrender motion, while scrabbling backward in an attempt to avoid being hit._

" _Why would I want to hurt you?" The boy questioned, raising an eyebrow at Kevin's odd exclamation._

 _Kevin sighed with confusion as he gave the strangers question a deep amount of thought._

 _He could think of a number of reasons why this boy would want to hurt him in less than a footstep but add the nt on the end and his mind goes blank. Everyone he knew either held some sort of intense dislike for him or ignored his very existence. The only person to not despise him was his mother, although, she didn't really count as mothers were supposed to love their children. As much as that thought should have provided a little comfort, it didn't. Besides, it wasn't easy to be her little Darling when he didn't have a single soul to call a friend._

 _Having become so caught up in his whirlwind of thoughts, Kevin had nearly forgotten he was currently within company, it wasn't until he looked up to the stranger peering over him did he snap back to the present._

 _Shaking his head slightly, the stranger then held out his hand, which in a matter of seconds he used to help Darling back onto his feet. "My names Tristan Malone by the way," Tristan informed as Kevin attempted to stand steadily on his two feet._

" _What's yours?"_

 _Kevin gulped at the simple enough question, the very question he loathed more than the one consisting of whether he was secretly a girl in a boys body._

" _Kevin," he answered awkwardly, deliberately avoiding eye contact when noticing Tristan's facial expression develop into a questioning one._

 _Just then a horrifying thought hit him._

 _Please_ **_don't_** _ask what my surname is, Kevin mentally repeated to himself several times. Please, for the sake of what little remains of my dignity, just don't ask._

" _What, just Kevin? Don't you have a surname?"_

 _Profoundly cursing at Tristan's boundless curiosity, Darling let out a huff as he prepared to watch his scrap of dignity disappear before him._

" _My last name is_ _Darling," the timid boy babbled, stumbling over his words so badly his response to anyone but him was incoherent._

" _Sorry what?"_

" _It's Darling!" Kevin bit out acidicly._

 _Squeezing his eyes shut as he waits for a chorus of chortling to sentence him to shame, a blast of incredulity hits him when discovering himself shockingly spared the all too familiar ridiculing mockery. Stunned by how Tristan had kept a straight face without displaying even a hint of laughter, a few theories began to form within his mind._

 _Either he was notoriously thick, blocking out the amusement behind the misfortune of possessing such a name to be polite, or just simply didn't find the aspect of his surname funny. Either way, all this was all too horribly overwhelming to ignore._

" _Aren't you going to laugh at my name?" Kevin questioned, astonished that Tristan hadn't even done as much as snigger at the hilarity of his ill-fated surname, that everyone else took great pleasure in taunting him with on a daily basis._

" _No."_

" _Bu-but, it's embarrassing!" Kevin wailed, sighing with dismay when Tristan's facial features displayed a hint of shock at his sudden outburst._

" _Look," the taller boy began, preventing Darling form saying another word. "If you treat me with respect then I will do the same for you," Tristan offered as an explanation, one Kevin was perfectly able to accept with a small smile of gratitude._

 _Wishing to move on from the awkward moment, the two boys remained silent, until Tristan spotted some bits of the broken boat that had fallen out from Kevins torn trouser pocket._

" _What's with the pieces of wood?" Tristan asked, pointing to where Kevin's foot stood who went to pick them up._

" _It's a sailing boat, or was," Kevin explained awkwardly, having to take a deep breath to prevent himself from bursting into tears._

 _Picking up on the tinge of sadness behind his explanation, Tristan gave him an empathetic smile._

 _"I'll tell you what, why don't we make a new one? He enthusiastically suggested." A better one even. I have the right things to use back at home, come back with me, we can build it together then!"_

 _"Really?" Kevin responded skeptically, Tristan keenly nodded._

 _After spending a minute or so contemplating his offer, shrugging his shoulders Kevin reluctantly allowed him to lead the way. It was only when Tristan had pointed to where his home was, that Kevin realized they didn't live too far from each other._

 _"In here Kevin!" Tristan shouts as he gestures for him to follow him to a shed, temporally snapping him out of his thoughts revolving around the mysterious Tristan boy, as the two boys began to collect the equipment required._

 _"Why haven't I seen you around before?" Kevin decided on asking once he and Tristan were in the process of fixing up his boat, regretting it instantaneously when he received nothing in response._

 _Trust him to put his foot in it after only having known him for ten minutes! But before he could open his mouth to apologize, Tristan cut him off._

 _"I've only just moved here with my grandparents, although, they don't like me very much. They say I'm a nuisance to the family and that they only took me in for my mum's sake."_

 _Not what he was expecting to hear, Kevin almost didn't dare ask anything else. Keyword being almost._

 _"Why, what happened to your parents?" He asked before his inner instincts could tell him otherwise. Moments later, Kevin looked up at Tristan to see his face showing no emotion as he spoke._

 _"They died."_

 _Perhaps he and Tristan weren't that different from each other, Kevin thought to himself as a sudden bout of realization hit him. He at least had his mum to go to if needs be, but Tristan didn't even have that. And he hadn't spoken of any friends as far as he could tell. Perhaps his friendly demeanor, something Kevin had never up until now experienced, was his way of trying to change that. Either way, they were both in the same boat, so why not soldier through the stormy seas together._

 _"Wow, it's incredible!" Kevin exclaimed in delight once his new and much-improved toy boat was sat in his very hands. Examining it thoroughly, the scrawny boy couldn't contain his wide grin, radiating with satisfaction at the marvelous job they had done together._

 _Having become so wrapped up in his exquisite moment of happiness, Kevin hadn't realized just how late it was until he caught a glimpse of the time on his watch._

 _"Oh no, my mother will be worried sick!" Kevin cried, frantically gathering his school bag while placing his boat inside it._

 _"I could always come with you, explain to her why you're late!" Tristan called out, his offer went politely declined._

 _"No, no it's fine. I can tell her myself," Kevin flashed his new friend a confident smile._

 _"See you around Kevin." Were Tristan's final words, along with a wave._

 _"Farewell, Tristan." Darling waved back as he began to dash away, however, a tight feeling in his chest soon made him come to a halt._

 _"And thank you," Kevin added, looking back one last time before setting off home._

 _Darling…_

 _Darling?_

* * *

"Darling!"

Then an open-handed bolt of friction connected sharply with his face. Staggering backward with slightly watery eyes, Darling had to take a minute to look up to find General Melchett standing angrily in front of him.

"What is the matter with you Darling!" Melchett scolded, Kevin twitched violently at the mention of his surname, clutching his reddened cheek.

"I-I d-don't know sir," Darling replied in a quiet voice, his words slurred slightly. He then glanced over towards the glass of wine that was still half full.

Damn, that stuff got to him worse than he initially thought.

"First you make a complete arse up of my speech, then you doze off while I'm reciting it. What the hell am I going to do with you, Darling!" Melchett shouted, clearly miles away from being done with his telling off procedure.

"Sorry sir," Darling replied defeatedly, bowing his head down in shame. Eyes widening when Melchett caught sight of his half-full wine glass.

"Wasting alcohol is also a large act of offense!"

"Get out of my sight!" Was the last thing the General had to say, leaving Darling in a mixture of misery and shame as he left to do what he was told. Ignoring the fact that Blackadder was staring after him.

Once he was stood mere inches from the door to his private room, Darling banged his head multiple times against it, wishing for the day to be over. Letting out a weary sigh, Darling rubbed at his hurting head moments before allowing himself to take a minute to recollect himself.

Perhaps, he thought to himself, a lifetime's worth of sleep was in order.

* * *

 **Tally ho peeps, we meet again! Now I do have a few things to say.**

 **One- Updates will be slower from now on due to me having two other stories to complete and starting a new job.**

 **Two- Humour is not one of my strong skills so be prepared for my story to have very little in it, despite humor being the main point of Blackadder!**

 **And three- Thank you for all the support so far, I do hope it continues!**

 **Now all I have to say is thanks for reading and we shall see what the next chapter beholds!**


	3. Brave soldier

**WARNING, VERY LONG CHAPTER AHEAD! I did try shortening it, but needless to say it didn't really work. Plus I must admit, it didn't feel right for me not to include everything that's in this chapter together.**

 **Anyway, I am so sorry this chapter has taken me so bloody long to publish, life got in the way but for now, it's under my control, which means the next chapters shouldn't be too long of a wait (hopefully)**

 **Enough of me rambling on, enjoy the chapter, that's if it doesn't overwhelm you (sorry about that.)**

* * *

"Two thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine. Three thousand."

Rubbing at the dreary skin under his eyes, Darling carefully leaned back in his chair until he was in an as comfortable position as he could master on the rock-hard piece of furniture. Seconds later he then diverted his eye contact towards the newly sorted pile of paper clips, neatly stored in the top drawer.

Darling let out a weary sigh. During these past few days, sleep for him had been like trying to learn a foreign language. Sure you pick up glimpses of it, but overall you're still left struggling to get by. However, there were ways of dodging those situations, or at least in his case, methods of coping with the impacts these difficult circumstances brought to the table.

For Kevin, it was the simple element of order.

It didn't matter whether it was some pencils that needed sharpening and placed into a straight line, a pile of papers that would require a vast amount of attention for hours on end, or even the highly rewarding task of counting and organizing newly delivered items. For him, it was his way of focusing his troubled mind on something that gave him a sense of solace, in a world of discord and suffering.

Especially when it came to the topic of paper clips.

He'd never been quite sure how his passion for the small bendy pieces of wire had progressed this far into his life, one thing he did know for sure was the uplifting sensation that warmed his very soul.

No words could fully explain the shared bond between himself and the useful inanimate objects. Though, he supposed the reason why he took such a great liking towards his beloved paper clips was that of the way they were able to keep their shit together.

He both adored and envied their powers to transform chaos into order, the ability to maintain their purpose when presented with the bombardment of added stress, but most importantly of all, how they could cope with those pressures and not crack under them.

The office was always permeated with stress. It probably had something to do with Melchett, his idiotic arrogance seemed to seep into the walls and Darling could feel his blood pressure rise with every grating bleat. But when he was organizing these little twists of metal, all of that seemed to fade away into the background and soon hours would have gone by in a blink and he found his mind hadn't wandered.

He twitched at the sudden memory, wanting to shake it away.

If only he could do the same for those annoying little flashbacks that haunted his presence like a fly.

Yawning widely when realizing how late it was, Darling slowly slipped off from the chair and onto his two feet, preparing himself to lead a steady walk when he felt his left knee violently smack the bottom of the desk, causing the entire thing to wobble.

"Bugger!" He cursed, clutching his knee as the sound of multiple items falling onto the floor caught his attention. Bending over to pick up whatever had fallen off its perch, Darling made a quick grab for them, only to come to an abrupt halt when the very last item, that turned out to be diary came charging into his vision, his eye frantically twitching.

"Oh…" Darling trailed off, unable to finish his sentence as the overwhelming process of finding it began to flood his mind. Gasping as his hands began to tremble due to the heavy impact all this was having on the already frazzled captain, looking down towards the miniature book, Darling could feel the sweat that drenched his hands and forehead mark little spots on the corners of the pages.

He hadn't written in it since the incident.

Then for a moment, a throbbing pain in between his eyes engulfed his ability to think.

Quivering as the sudden thought of opening it up came barging into his mind, disrupting his attempts to pull himself together, Kevin took a swift glance in between his lap and the diary that had fallen beside it.

Brushing his fingers against the rough outer layer of the diary, the captain's eyes grew wide as he subconsciously found himself opening up the book little by little until the pages could clearly be seen.

Despite the tiny voices in his head screaming at him to do the polar opposite, once he felt himself slowly but surely sinking further into the mist of intrusive memories, there was no turning back, as the present was once again slipping away from his very eyes…

* * *

 _This wasn't the way he'd planned to spend the evening celebrating the Croydon cricket team's victory against the sticky wicketers._

 _Though if he thought about it, he could only blame himself for allowing others to drag him into situations that would ultimately end badly._

 _This one, in particular, had been a mixture between proving to Crilly, along with that squirmy sidekick of his, Benjamin, that he wasn't this pathetic, smarmy little worm they believed him to be. The unfortunate coincidence that the girl of his dreams had just so happened to be walking by, and the low but deadly amount of alcohol he'd consumed toying with his head._

 _"Congratulations on another sweet victory for the Croydon gentlemen," Tristan said as he took a sip of his beer, blissfully humming at the bubbly feeling the alcohol supplied._

 _"Well it wasn't that hard considering the opposition's tactics for the game consisted of heavily emphasizing on their love to come from behind," Kevin huffed while glancing at the full pint of beer in front of him, taking fragile sips as a precaution._

 _"And the fact that their team slogan was, 'we've got the runs'," their other friend Robert Hathaway added._

 _"Well it just made the walloping hit for success more pleasurable," Tristan declared with a smile that was shared amongst the three men, followed by merry laughter._

 _"Well, you would know," the all too familiar condescending voice belonging to Henry Crilly suddenly said behind them." After all, you do have quite the experience of giving balls a good hard wallop, don't you!"_

 _Crilly smirked as he walked over to stand in between Tristan and Kevin, cackling with laughter when turning to face his counterpart Benjamin, who chuckled with moronic glee._

 _"Can you hear that?" Tristan mused, cocking his head towards Darling and Hathaway in a false state of thought. "There's this exceedingly irritating buzzing noise in my ear, I- it just doesn't seem to bugger off, it's quite relentless really."_

 _Crilly scoffed. "I bet the kind of buzzing noise you like to hear is the voice of your dearest Darling here whispering dirty thoughts in your earhole, while you sit there squirming in your underwear like a baby wanting the milk from its mother. "_

 _"And there it is again," Tristan continued before Darling could react. " I must say, I think they should really tackle this pest problem before it's never-ending droning disease infects us all ."_

 _"And there we have it! Crilly shouted across the table, throwing his hands up in the air as if he'd made a major achievement. "One man who can't resist the seductions of walloping balls three feet into the air, and another who enjoys a good thump to the middle stump! "_

 _"Now hang on-" Darling began, wanting to defend himself from the crude accusation. However, he found himself cut off midway from retaliating against Crilly's immature statement when a flurry of women entered the tavern, all of them gushing over the men, while effeminately chanting the words the Croydon Gentlemen kick arse._

 _The sudden increase in noise within the tavern gradually became faint background sound when Kevin fortuitously noticed two ladies trailing behind the rest of the group, one of which in particular catching Darling's eye._

 _Then within the time frame of a snap, Kevin was under her spell like a Frenchman in a brothel._

 _Those spring-like green eyes holding such serenity the said season often brought upon him being the first thing he laid his own eyes on, impeccably complimenting the unmissable symmetry to her features. From those delicately powdered cheekbones to the way her rouge red lips lifted upward into a full-blown smile, proudly displaying tiny dimples was enough to hold any man captive under her exquisite beauty._

 _His lovestruck staring only intensified when noticing how her curly chestnut brown hair flowed freely down to her shoulders, bouncing up and down her slim figure as if it were doing some graceful dance as she walked, gleaming when capturing the light just right. But it was at that moment where their eyes suddenly interlocked with each other when the vibes that were sizzling inside Kevin's soul burst into life, every aspect of it all becoming much more real._

 _"Come on Doris," a blonde girl walking beside her said, insanity snapping Darling out of his heavenly muse as Doris's eyes were abruptly ripped away from his. The girl's voice laced with a hint of urgency as she lightly grabbed Doris's hand, ushering her quickly towards the other girls gathered around a small table._

 _So, her name was Doris._

 _"My, my Darling, I thought you were one in favor of the sausage variety, but now a plain Jane with a frilly dress comes trotting along, you've suddenly shuffled yourself towards the glory box."_

 _"Shut up Crilly!" Kevin snapped, though he didn't take his eyes off of her._

 _"Can't keep your wandering eyes off her, eh Darling?" The said man continued next to him. "Tell you what, why don't we see if she shares your feelings. That's if you know what I mean?"_

 _"What?!" Kevin exclaimed, his breath becoming bated when noticing a few of the ladies looking up at him from across the tavern._

 _"You heard me. So, what do you say to providing everyone with a little entertainment to really spice up the evening?"_

 _"Absolutely not!" Kevin spat once having gotten the gist of his idea of entertainment._ _"There's no way I'm dragging myself or an innocent lady into one of your idiotic games," he added while pointing a stern finger in Crilly's direction._

 _"Just as I thought, Darling here is too scared that I shall win over his sweetheart!"_

 _"Right, this is ridiculous. You've obviously had too much to drink, so I think it's best that we call it a night and-"_

 _"Oh no, you don't!" Crilly shouted, roughly grabbing Darling by his left arm that caused some of the men to make low toned oohing noises. Kevin was then span around in order to be forced into making eye contact with his drunken enemy._

 _"Always running away aren't you Darling? Why don't you step up and be the man your mother mistook you for all those years ago!"_

 _"Look you, drunken buffoon," Tristan interrupted, moving over to stand in front of Darling, yanking Crilly's hand off his arm. "Neither Kevin, nor I, or anyone else around here is remotely interested in getting involved in your bet, we aren't the kind of men who toss around good hard earned money just to get a quick fix."_

 _"Not a betting man? Or a man full stop!?"_

 _It was at that very moment when something within his mind snapped. Then in a matter of seconds, Kevin came charging towards the still sniggering blond, his eyes boiling with fury as the words spouted out from his enemy kept replaying themselves in his head._

 _No longer would he tolerate Crilly's constant jabs at his haplessly given surname, his apparent flimsily developed body form, his kick out of regularly daring to question his sexual orientation, and not to mention each and every spiteful act of torture he was forced to endure as a kid in order to fulfill Crilly's need for amusement._

 _He wasn't going to be that spineless, crawling under the school desk, praying not to be found, quivering little toad anymore. He was going to for once stand up for himself, no matter how much it would no doubt hurt later on._

 _"Fine. You know what? I give in! Let's do it! Come on, let's propose a deal," Kevin stated firmly, gritting his teeth out of pure frustration of the fact the situation was rapidly sliding from his control._

 _"Name it," Crilly proposed, accompanied by a slow menacing nod._

 _"If I lose then… I will buy you the next round," Kevin tried, only to earn himself an unimpressed look from the burly blonde man, who shook his head with laughable shame._

 _"Is that the best you got?" Seconds later a chorus of howling laughter filled the taverns atmosphere, their roars of amusement at his expense making his stomach become intensely queasy._

 _"Go on," Crilly induced, a sly grin crossing his face as he took a couple of steps towards him, causing the smaller man to involuntarily gulp."Be a devil and really put your money where your mouth is Darling."_

 _When Darling struggled to come up with a better wager, Crilly instantly took the opportunity to provoke him._

 _"Ah, I told you," Crilly taunted, turning to address the other members of the cricket team gathering beside him, all eyes between him and Kevin. That was all it took for the stupidity button located within the inner recesses of his mind to be pressed into action._

 _"Alright then, how about if I lose I buy the rounds all night!" Kevin abruptly blurted out, earning himself multiple reactions, mostly consisting of shock._

 _Once the initial shock had worn off, Crilly and Benjamin glanced at one another with smirks of amusement before turning back to face Kevin, whose forehead was now covered in beads of sweat._

 _"All right, you're on."_

 _"And if you lose, you have to do the same," Tristan added, his facial expression filled with unmistakable seriousness._

 _"I'm going to enjoy this!" Crilly hissed, chortling as he firmly grabbed Darlings hand and shook it with such force, Kevin clutched his hand in agony once the back of his arch nemesis was turned._

 _"Hey ladies," Crilly greeted as he casually walked over towards the group, letting loose a sly grin that already seemed to have them queuing up to physically satisfy him._

 _Kevin Darling then had to restrain himself from looking away when his foe turned towards Doris, the very same playful smirk becoming more vibrant with every second that passed by._

 _"Do you happen to be a farm girl by any chance? The burly blond began, raising his eyebrows that radiated the seducing tone of his voice. " Because you sure know how to raise a good cock."_

 _"Bloody hell!" Tristan gagged, his facial expression the portrait of utter disgust as Crilly's horrendous pickup line caused him to involuntarily spit his beer out._

 _"Remind me never to introduce him to my future spouse," Robert whispered to Darling, who squirmed anxiously in response._

 _After silently absorbing Crilly's progress throughout the time the ladies spent continuously giggling, along with Crillys deeper and highly irritating cackles to his own jokes, a perturbed frigid sensation traveled up his spine as a million scenarios of what could go wrong projected themselves in front of his very eyes, preventing him from keeping an eye on what was happening a few metres away ._

 _It wasn't until the vision of Crilly happily striding back towards the group did he snap out of his potent trance, the glorified smug smile that tugged on his lips making his entire body go numb as the realization that his time had come hit him at full force._

 _"Your turn Darling."_

 _Slowly standing up on his feet, Kevin took an almighty deep breath as he with one final glance towards Tristan and Hathaway who nodded their support made his way over towards Doris. All the time a small warning voice in the back of his head pleading him to stay calm and collected._

 _He was calm and collected._

 _Calm and collected_

 _Calm and colle-_

 _It was at that shameful moment where in his consumed state of attempting to act normal did he lose his footing halfway, causing him to stumble and fall just centimeters away from landing face down on the floor._

 _Moments afterward, Darling shot up into an upright position and began to brush himself off, desperately trying to ignore the titters of the other girls surrounding Doris, and the loud guffaw from Crilly and the gang meters behind him._

 _"Uh hello sweet Doris, er I'm Kevin Dar- no just Kevin. I j-just wanted to say that I think you're like a gift, neatly presented and fun to unwrap." Seconds later his formerly chosen words turned on him._

 _My god, where had that come from?! The voice in his head screamed at him._

 _Stay calm and collected..._

 _"Sorry I have no idea what came over me, what I-I meant to say was you look beautiful wearing that uniquely designed dress," Kevin tried again, fumbling with his sleeve while trying to avoid looking elsewhere but Doris. Though his attempts at flirting clearly weren't working when it dawned on him that all the ladies were dressed in similar garments._

 _Calm. And. Collected. The voice hissed in a sterner tone than before, patience wearing dangerously thin._

 _"I, um no, sorry, what I really wanted to say was how your eyes look as if God took a pigment out of a leaf and put them into your..." Kevin attempted before trailing off midway from his sentence when yet again, everything came out wrong._

 **Calm and collected!**

 _Who was he kidding? He didn't have a hope in hell._

 _"Look, Doris," Kevin stammered nervously. "I'm just going to come out and say it, I'm not the type of man who knows how to talk his way into a ladies good books. Flirting for me is like attempting to dance the tango, you want to go one way and then your whisked off into a completely different direction."_

 _When Doris didn't react to his nervously spoken explanation, Kevin let out a small sigh of defeat, knowing when someone wasn't interested in his pathetic rambles._

 _Then to his surprise, Doris breathed a sigh of relief._

 _"Oh, thank goodness for that."_

 _Kevin had to lean himself against the table in an awkward halfway sitting down, standing up position to stop himself collapsing from the sheer shock of what he'd just heard._

 _"I- I'm sorry, would you mind repeating that again?"_

 _Doris chuckled, her soft laugh settling Kevin's nerves instantaneously._

 _"I said I'm glad you're not like the others. Most men think their attempts at wooing the ladies are their ticket to proving how much of a man they are, whereas I think it makes a man look ignorant and quite silly."_

 _All Kevin could do was helplessly stare in awe at how the tables had turned in his favor._

 _"In fact, I wouldn't mind seeing you again somewhere more private if that would be okay with you?"_

 _"You what?!" Crilly hollered defensively, gawking in utter disbelief on what he was witnessing._

 _Ignoring Crilly, with each graceful movement she made Kevin's gaze grew stronger as the physical connection between them continued to increase, becoming an emotional chasm. One filled with promises of a new dawn, a new chapter in his life that wasn't to be skimmed over._

 _He could see the two of them now. Happily going for long romantic walks across the meadow, hand in hand, sitting together and having picnics while telling each other various bit about themselves, and one day starting a family together._

 _They were meant to be!_

 _"Yes, yes of course," Darlin babbled happily, breathing deeply with pure elation as he went to shake Doris's hand who accepted gracefully._

 _Watching as Doris stood up and walked towards him, he felt himself flinch a little when feeling her lips softly pecking him on the cheek, all while tactfully ignoring the other ladies whispering between the two._

 _"It was a pleasure to meet you Kevin," were her last words before leaving him to process the whole event._

 _Grinning triumphantly, Kevin made his way back to the men, who the majority of congratulated him on his success of winning. Though for him it went beyond winning a bet, this was his future and for once in his life, it was looking good, Tristan and Hathaway being the only ones who could truly see that._

 _Once the shouts of success had ceased Tristan took a mischievous glance towards Crilly who was stood at the back, scowling with disgust at having lost. Tristan then diverted his eyes back onto Darling and Hathaway._

 _"I think a certain someone owes the team a round!"_

 _Then all heads turned towards Crilly who grunted at the mention of his fate, however, he was soon up on his feet and making his way over to get the drinks when Tristan had one last thing to say._

 _"Oh and Crilly?" His question immediately catching the said mans attention._

 _"Make sure that the beer heads on our pints are well raised, we'd hate for them to go flat due to a farming cockup."_

* * *

 _28th of July 1914, the day the world war began. Now a few months later the war was still going, as was the increasing desperation to get men to sign up._

 _The war was everywhere. Printed in the papers, recruitment posters practically blackmailing men into joining the army pinned up in every street, frequent speeches addressing the very talk of the town, and many letters requesting that he join, yet none of it got him to believe this war was all fun and games._

 _When the war had first been declared a few of the lads he had known from school went and joined up straight away, utterly convinced this was the way to make their king and country proud, to return glorious heroes._

 _But to this day they hadn't returned, though what made it worse was he doubted they ever would._

 _Besides, he has plenty going for him right here in Croydon. A splendid job working at Pratt and sons, keeping wicket for the Croydon gentlemen, his selected group of friends and of course, Doris._

 _Since the delightful yet unexpected pleasure of somehow having gotten her to like him, three years have passed and she was still happy to be around him, the truth was he couldn't be a happier man._

 _Doris brought him out from the restricted shell of a man he often portrayed himself to be in public, listened to his pointless ramblings, tolerates his tendencies to make a fool of himself, and most importantly of all, despite his faults, loves him for who he is._

 _And today was the day he was to officially declare his love to her._

 _Darling was soon pulled out from his vigorous train of thought when catching sight of Tristan approaching him, a typical hearty smile dancing across his lips as he wipes at his forehead._

 _"Hello Kevin, I trust you had another good day at work," Kevin soon returned his smile as Tristan came to walk beside him._

 _"Well yes, and a little extra something in the works."_

 _Tristan gave him a look of false shock. "Care to explain young man," he said, waggling a joking finger near Kevin's face who chuckled lightly._

 _Unable to contain himself for a second longer, Kevin delved into his trouser pocket, pulling out a small silver engagement ring, causing Tristan's eyes to widen briefly before his entire facial expression transformed into a full-blown congratulating grin._

 _"Ahh, you finally tying the knot eh?"_

 _"Oh yes," Kevin proudly replied, earning him an enthusiastic pat on the shoulder._

 _"That's my boy, I knew it would happen sooner or later," Tristan praised, giving him a proud look._

 _"Excuse me, sir, would you like a newspaper?" A small boy asked, interrupting their conversation. Tristan gave the boy a quick nod before handing over some money and accepting the newspaper._

 _Giving the paper a firm shake, Tristan's facial expression immediately morphed into a pensive frown when examining the front headlines._

 _Brittish still smashing on!_

 _"Yeah, I bet we are. Smashing through the lives of many great young men, who could be making so much more out of their existences like no one's business," Tristan huffed, a similar thought whizzing through Darlings mind._

 _Unfortunately, their conversation was yet again cut short when two women who were walking on either side of the pavement abruptly barged into the two men, each slamming a white feather onto their chests, causing both men to cast them looks of bewilderment as they stared at the offending objects._

 _"What is this?" Tristan demanded, spinning one of the women around to face him who was closely followed by her lady companion. All while Kevin could only stare at the feather in confusion._

 _"It's a white feather, coward," the woman who Tristan had grabbed snarled, glaring daggers at both him and Darling._

 _"Excuse me?" Tristan gritted out, his patience already running thin._

 _"You two aren't in uniform," the other woman explained sharply while straightening herself out. "Therefore you are cowards among those who are out there, fighting for their king and country!"_

 _Kevin gulped as he absorbed everything the woman heedlessly hurled at them, each and every word scolding him like a burn to the hand._

 _He looked up at the women but no words of his own left his mouth. Unsure whether his brain and mouths inability to cooperate being due to the shock of having been spoken to in such a crude way by ladies, or that their criticising words held some truth in the matter._

 _Well whatever their motives behind their appalling behavior were, he would not be bullied into making a rash decision._

 _However before he could gather the words in order to speak up for himself, one of the two women suddenly lunged towards him, causing Kevin to take a couple of steps back, revealing the ring in full view. Then in a matter of mere seconds, the woman snatched the ring from where it had fallen onto the floor, sniggering haughtily._

 _"Excuse me, return that at once!" Darling cried, well more like squealed as he attempted to grab the ring from her seizing grasp._

 _"That's personal!" Tristan added in a warning tone._

 _The same woman scoffed at the very ring in between her fingertips._

 _"You are to marry your lady?" She questioned, her eyebrows raised in disgust._

 _"Well he's not going to be putting it on my finger," Tristan mumbled, earning himself fierce glares from both ladies._

 _"How can a man who blatantly deems his king and country not worth fighting for, be worthy of the hand of any woman!"_

 _Kevin, clearly taken aback at the woman's harshly spoken words, could only let out a strangled whimper as she continued to verbally abuse him._

 _"Your sweetheart that you claim to love dearly must be disappointed to see her best boy not wearing traditional khaki uniform," the woman's emphasis on the phrase best boy causing Kevin to shudder with frustration._

 _"Doris would never think such ghastly things of me!" Kevin responded defensively, the women's scornful cackles piercing right through any remaining shreds of dignity._

 _"Oh, well do you think that Doris will want to be seen in public with a man who's a disgrace to his country for refusing to fight for her? You don't think her head won't hang in shame because her man wasn't man enough to do his duty?" The two women sniggered when seeing Darlings crestfallen face._

 _However, matter were only to be made worse when the leader of the two women suddenly produced another white feather, which she then jabbed into Kevin's chest, making him yelp. "One to add to the collection," the women added in a sickly sweet voice before tossing the engagement ring she had snatched from him towards his head._

 _"Right, I think you have attacked this gentleman quite enough!" Tristan shouted, pointing a fury-filled finger towards the two women._

 _"Cowards!" Were the last words spat by the women before flouncing off, pride plastered all over their faces. Kevin however, felt anything but prideful._

 _For several minutes after the incident, Kevin stood motionlessly, staring straight ahead like a statue, lost in a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Even when the women had long gone, that single but dominating name continued to reverberate within his mind. It was only after Tristan's fifth attempt at getting his attention did Darling snap out of his anguish induced trance, although he wasn't all there._

 _"Kevin," Tristan began with a soft edge to his voice, in hopes to pull him out of his fragile state. "Those women are just disdainful flappers who have just so happened to have been given a minuscule sense of power, they are the disgrace to our country, not us."_

 _Kevin shook his head in disagreement. "But what if they are right in calling me a coward? I cant have Doris thinking I am unworthy of being with her for not enlisting myself into the army, for failing to do my duty to protect her?"_

 _"Doris would never think such things as you said so yourself," Tristan proclaimed before adding, "don't let those immodest women shame you into enlisting, what they did was a sign of injustice!"_

 _Kevin sighed. As much as he appreciated his best friends attempts to reel him out from cracking under the pressure of enlisting, it had gone beyond that. For him this was more than being called a coward, this was about his own_ _self-beliefs._

 _Never in his life had he felt so disparaged, so ashamed to be the man named Kevin Darling. Placing the ridiculing aspects of his surname aside, it was almost fascinating yet sad how such small circumstances could have such a huge impact on a man's question of masculinity. Though the more he thought about it, what exactly did he have to prove he was indeed a man, apart from the obvious._

 _Yes, he had Doris, but with all this urgency to get men to enlist, how long would it be before she casts him asunder? Knowing how long and how much effort it took him to get to where he and Doris were now, was he going to throw it all away because he was too much of a chicken to join the army?_

 _Not only that but when comparing himself to the likes of Tristan who was undeniably an honorable man with high principles, Kevin couldn't help but frown upon himself for not sharing that particular quality._

 _Even Crilly behind the immature demeanor and his ghastly hobby of teasing Kevin until he was at his wit's end, held a sense of masculine superiority that he himself could never proudly say he possessed._

 _It was time to change that._

 _Not only would he take the ultimate step and enlist himself into the army, he would also prove to everyone who had shamed him for as they perceived as not being a real man, that he did have the guts to come forward and do his bit for the men, to no longer hide from his responsibility that his king and country depended on._

 _But more importantly to prove it to himself, as he, Kevin Darling was officially going out to war._

* * *

 _Today was the day he was to leave England and go out to war. He couldn't recall the last time he'd slept so badly, he could feel the presence of war creeping upon him during the night so rigorously, it was a wonder how he was even functioning at this moment in time. However, despite his restless night, there was one major issue that hadn't escaped his notice._

 _Doris hadn't said a word since waking up during the early hours that very morning. As much as he wanted to get the goodbyes over and done with to avoid emotional suspense, he hated seeing his sweetpea upset. Besides, the notion of the two unable to bare acknowledging each other throughout their final moments together wasn't the kind of memory he wished to take alongside him._

 _"Doris," Kevin tried, his attempt at getting her attention without his voice rising to the pitch of a young child proved difficult. Even more so as he helplessly watched her scurry away, her eyes downcast._

 _Letting out a weary sigh, Kevin went back to sorting through what remained to be packed into his suitcase._

 _After nibbling on the various bits of breakfast Doris had prepared for him, Kevin took a brief look at his watch, closing his eyes in remorse for a split second he then proceeded to shakily pick up his suitcase and slowly make his way outside._

 _Looking up from nervously going through the drawers at that same exact moment was when Doris caught sight of Kevin leaving, sorrow radiating from both his body language and facial expression._

 _"Bugger it!" She lightly cursed to herself before dashing to follow her boyfriend, or as close to dashing as her high heels would allow._

 _"I can't believe this is actually happening," were the first words Doris had spoken once they made it out of the cottage they shared, making Kevin turn round instantaneously. Her voice wobbling as she snuggled into Kevin's embrace, desperately trying to cover up the sniffles freely escaping her._

 _N-neither can I," his own voice barely audible but stable enough to comprehend._

 _For a minute or so not a word is spoken, instead, Kevin chose to use the time to stare vacantly at the familiar scenery of Croydon._

 _In a matter of minutes, the familiar sights of Croydon he was currently laying eyes on were to become distant recollections. He was to leave the place that had been his childhood cocoon, the community within it, even if most weren't particularly fond of him, but it was neither of those things that made the process of leaving so difficult. It was the herd of memories that over the years grew to follow him, each and every one of them marking an important aspect of his life, and to this day remained a part of him. But now he was leaving all that behind._

 _And Doris._

 _"Oh god, Doris I…" Darling tried but trailed off, unable to complete his sentence which left the couple standing in a daunting state of silence._

 _"I know," Doris gently admitted, cupping his face tenderly to show her understanding. Moments afterward Doris slowly leaned forward to kiss him, her lips touching Kevins who responded immediately, only to part when hearing footsteps approach them._

 _Looking up to find Tristan stood just a couple of steps away, both Doris and Kevin gave him a look of gratitude as they watched him turn to face the other way, keeping their foreheads close the entire time. Although, it now made the harsh reality of the process harder to handle._

 _"Well, I guess this is it then," Doris sighed, her usually bright green eyes glazed with a thick layer of moisture. "Don't forget to write and make sure you stay safe Kevin."_

 _"I- I will."_

 _"Oh," Doris gasped as she began to fumble with the outer pocket of her dress, pulling out a small brown book that she placed in the palm of Kevin's hand. "Your diary, I didn't think you would want to leave that behind," was all she said before breaking the hug and taking a couple of steps back._

 _Neither of the two needed words to tell them what had to happen._

 _Then just as he was about to leave, Kevin suddenly felt himself almost stumble backward onto the ground, discovering the cause of it being Doris flinging herself towards him. Wrapping her arms around his entire body in a fierce act of protection, Kevin felt her hair tickle his right cheek, her voice soft yet subdued as she slowly leaned into his ear and whispered,_

 _"My brave soldier."_

 _Kevin gulped before turning to face Tristan with a shaky nod, who responded by shooting him a small sympathetic smile. Seconds later, Kevin with one final kiss began to walk away, with only the last three words he was to hear from Doris for god knows how long floating around his mind._

 _Doing his best to wipe his damp eyes undetected, Kevin looked up towards the sky, taking in a deep breath as he thought to himself_ , _he may now be a soldier, though brave probably wasn't the right word to describe it._

 _But for Doris, he'd bloody well try._

* * *

 **Just to say in regards to Doris, I picture her looking like Julia Sawalha in her younger days of course. For a clearer image of that, I shall be posting a picture of her on my Tumblr page, TheIndividualistposts if anyone is interested in taking a look, although I suggest you try to imagine her in the fashion that ladies wore during those times.**

 **Thanks for reading, peeps!**


	4. Gateway to hell

The early hours of the following morning found Kevin being jabbed in the chest multiple times. At first, he is completely oblivious to what was happening around him. It was only after a couple harder jabs were directed to the center of his chest did he stir.

Slowly waking up to the sudden outburst of touch poking at his skin, Kevin took a moment to shift himself into a suitably comfortable position from where his head had been laying on the very corner of the desk. Quietly groaning as he slowly raises his head to face whatever it was that was in front of him.

However, he then stopped in his tracks when the sounds of breathing that weren't his own abruptly fill his ears. Involuntarily jerking upwards when staring ahead, nearly caused him to bash his head against the desk, Kevin continued to squint in the same direction until a blur of various features slowly, but surely morphed into a recognizable form of a human being.

When it had finally occurred to him that these features were, in fact, Blackadders, Kevin promptly leaped into action like a cat in ice-cold water, every sense within his body urging him to claw his way to a standing position.

 _He should have seen it coming._

"B-Blackadder," Darling wearily stated, mentally cursing himself for stammering over his words.

"Good morning Darling," Blackadder replied, the very smirk that made his eye twitch with indignation plastered across his face.

"Well this is a surprise, didn't expect to find a desk sucking, prissy office boy with a paperclip fetish like you sleeping on the job. Tell me, Darling, doesn't old Melchett let you sleep at night?"

"Shut up Blackadder," Darling snapped, rubbing his eye that twitched almost instantaneously.

"Are you alright there old chap?" George chirped as he looked down at the captain in question with a smile, the way he always managed to look and sound like he were about to go on a camping trip was beyond him.

But before Kevin could answer the Lieutenant with a mumbled response, Blackadder beat him to it.

"No George, he is about as alright as a huge wrong that's been committed in a church, in front of thousands of people who believe in a moral compass against all evil."

"Well my mother says two wrongs don't make a right," Baldrick added unhelpfully, causing Kevin to undergo a massive urge to cry at how much of a pitiful joke his life was.

"On the contrary Baldrick, and it just so happens that you are a classic example of that very saying," Blackadder retorted calmly before turning back towards Kevin.

"Wouldn't you say so, Darling?"

However, their rather one-sided conversation was to be put to an end when the sound of a demented sheep impression from no other than General Melchett came bellowing through the walls, causing Darling to collapse back down to the floor he'd just successfully picked himself up from.

"Ah Blackadder, so nice to see you and your jolly chaps ready for action!" The General greeted in his usual shouty demeanor, moments later taking a glance down below to find Darling in a heap beneath his feet.

Then as if Melchett had somehow transferred the vibes of his presence directly towards Darling, the said man almost leaped out of his very skin when catching sight of the General vigorously standing over him with a raised eyebrow, just itching to shout at him.

Which is exactly what he did.

"What on flipping gods earth are you doing down there Darling, you look as if you've been through the wars!"

"You could say that sir," Darling mumbled to whoever chose to listen.

"Get up man!" Was Melchetts final command that immediately got Darling up on his feet.

"Now then, we have some urgent business to attend to," Melchett began, brushing the events from a few seconds ago past him as if nothing had occurred.

"I have just heard this morning some rather dreadful news of how one of our trenches has been completely and utterly destroyed by those dirty hun weasels, and what makes this particularly disappointing is that more than half of these so-called men instead of fighting for our country, were just lying down as if they were on holiday!"

"Good lord," Kevin breathed out, face palming himself as if he were in agony.

"Which brings me to where you fine chaps come in, I'll need you to help the actual men who don't let a bullet deflate their duty to tidy the place up a bit. Darling here will accompany you."

Kevin's stomach turned at the mention of his surname as he stared practically open-mouthed towards the General.

"W-won't you b-be coming too, sir?" Was all he managed to stammer out, a concoction of shock and fear circling his very being.

"Oh I would Darling, I would," Melchett replied with a dismissive wave. "But I have many other important jobs that need attending to."

"Having yet another dinner with Field Marshal Haig I should imagine," came a darkly muttered sentence from Blackadder who Kevin glared at.

"B-b-but sir, I can't-"

"Besides it will do you good to get back in shape with the lads and all that," Melchett added, talking right over Kevin without a hint of shame.

"Of course sir," Kevin sighed with defeat.

"Now off with you all, I want a good clean job done of it, do you hear!"

 _Well, it was certainly going to be a job._

* * *

They were welcomed to what remained of this so-called trench by a plummet of rainfall hammering against their uniforms, more or less drenching the four after only a couple of minutes of being there.

The trench itself was just a tragedy of churned mud that possessed quicksand qualities; remains of what were once ladders littering the ground and the occasional splatters of blood with no shame of being seen. Instantly making Darling want to gag.

After their brief introduction, the group of four began to dig for what would later become 'suitable' dugouts.

"I can't believe I'm stuck here digging with two incompetent pratts with only half a brain cell between them, and an office boy who clings to the general like syphilis!" Blackadder snapped, being the first out of the four to voice his annoyance.

Grunting, Kevin managed to shake off Blackadder's latest insult with an agitated twitch.

"Well, actually sir I rather enjoy doing this, exercising the old muscle power for when we give the big bad Fritzy fellows a taste of our British spunk," George joined in on the conversation moments later.

"Yeah," Baldrick added. "It's great to be out in the fresh air sir!"

"Argh! Watch what you're doing with that shovel private!" Kevin yelled, quickly ducking from where Baldrick had swung his shovel just mere inches above his head.

Blackadder rolled his eyes, giving Baldrick a glare. "Well quite, that's if you call being out in the fresh air having the stench of rotting flesh wafting up your nose while attempting not to gag, then yes it's absolutely riveting to be out in the fresh outdoors!"

"That's the spirit, sir!" George chimed, causing Blackadder to groan.

Meanwhile, during the time Blackadder spent berating Baldrick and George, Kevin who had remained silent throughout the entire time was fixated on the mud beneath his feet, not moving a single muscle as an unwanted flashback engulfed his vision.

 _It had been the very first day of many years he was to spend in a war zone, the sounds of gunshots firing out into the open air startling him from his thought process of getting his head around his new surroundings. The ground plastered with layers of thick wet mud squelched beneath his army boots, the uniform itself doing nothing to protect him from the bitter cold that crawled down every inch of his being. Distant shouts from other men could be heard echoing across the atmosphere, some with authority while others in agony._

 _Seconds later, he and Tristan take a moment to exchange looks of immense pity, knowing they too were to join the chaotic scene that was to define their fate of survival._

George who was wedged in between Kevin and Baldrick, happily digging as he hummed a song horribly out of tune elbowed Darling in an attempt to get him to join in. It was only when Kevin didn't react with as much as a flinch to his touch did the lieutenant investigate.

Peering closely at him as if he were checking to see whether or not he was alive, Georges cheery facial expression morphed into a bewildered frown when noticing Kevin's lack of movement despite him poking Darlings arm multiple times.

"Sir!" George said in a voice far too loud to be considered a whisper, immediately capturing Blackadders attention.

With a huff, Blackadder snapped his head round to face the Lieutenant, only moments later shifting his gaze over towards Kevin after catching on to what George had been hollering over.

"Darling?" Edmund questioned sternly, the thought of Kevin feigning illness in a pathetic attempt to go scuttling back to the general crossed his mind.

"Darling!" Blackadder said again, pushing past George and Baldrick to get closer towards Kevin, his patience growing thinner by the second.

He then resorted to yelling out his first name, in hopes of reviving him back to a relatively normal state.

"For god sake Kevin, what is the matter with you!" With a rough shake of his shoulders, Darling jolted back to the present with an irritable twitch that made his kneck crack.

"Blackadder!" he snapped almost instantly, glaring daggers into the man's eyes as he vigorously straightened himself out.

"What on earth was that?!" Edmund asked with a bitter edge to his tone, not letting his eye contact slip away from the other captain for even a second.

Kevin seemed to be visibly shaken by Blackadder's questioning of him. "It doesn't concern you Blackadder," was all he had or rather wanted to say on the matter.

Unfortunately, Edmund Blackadder wasn't one to drop a subject that perked his interest that quickly.

"Oh come on Darling, you were stood for over ten minutes staring blankly at a pile of mud beneath your feet. So unless you have suddenly developed a keen interest in rifling through utter filth-"

"I said enough with your insolence Blackadder!" Kevin scolded, cutting him off as he made a hasty grab for his shovel before going back to digging.

Blackadder grunted but went back to work.

It was only a few minutes after the squabble between the two captains when George blurted out something to do with having a sing-song to lift everyone's spirits, did Blackadder stir from where he was stood and gave the Lieutenant a sour look.

"How would you feel if I said no, I would rather get a bayonet through the neck than have to listen to you warbling so painfully out of tune, you would be shot for the biggest mass murder known to man."

"That can be arranged," came a mumbled reply from Darling who kept himself focused on the mucky task of digging.

"Ah, and what song would you be treating us too Darling?" Blackadder said cooly. "I'm a pratt and I know it, or whoops General Melchett I'm sitting on your large turnip?"

This immediately triggered Kevin to send a sharp withering scowl towards the mocking captain, gritting his teeth at the sheer disrespect towards both the general and himself. While George and Baldrick were frantically directing glances between Blackadder and Darling as if they were two little kids watching their parents about to go into a heated argument.

"How dare you Blackadder! I'll have you know that-" The rest of his sentence went unheard as Baldricks shovel connected sharply with his head, sending him collapsing to the ground, knocking him out cold.

* * *

 _So as it turns out, his theory of all those horrendously enthusiastic recruitment posters that portrayed this war to be some bloody holiday camp, where fun and games would be around every corner, just to convince countless numbers of men to tag along was indeed true._

 _The fitness test Kevin had to endure before even being accepted into the army was what he could only describe as a shambolic strive, at proving how he'd been the kid less than physically blessed when it came to the subject of sports._

 _The look from the recruiting officer in charge cast him when flatly announcing he was fit enough to join, made him rather suspect his success at getting into the army was mainly out of his desire to earn his mere sixpence rather than his abilities as a soldier._

 _The training itself was just as tedious as it was physically and emotionally demanding, nothing like the jolly japes those damn posters made it out to be._

 _It was soon after that where he was officially given the rank of captain._

 _Unfortunately, so had that blond bastard, Crilly._

 _What was even worse was they had both been called in to see the general, now currently standing outside of his office awaiting the general's arrival._

 _"How could they have made someone with a surname that screams out, I was the kid who went to school with a specially made tie to tuck into my shirt while doing my schoolwork like you a captain!" Crilly snarled when he was sure that no one else would hear, his stoney eyed glare fixed on the shorter man._

 _"Oh come on Crilly, I'll think you'll find that the British armed forces have matured far from their schoolboy years to undermine a man simply for his namesake. Besides, you shouldn't be so miffed, we are of the same rank you know."_

 _Crilly scoffed. "_ Well, _I like to think of myself as a bigger rank."_

 _"In a noxious way perhaps, " Kevin mumbled into the distance._

 _"You know," Crilly spoke up seconds later, "I thought you were messing me about when you said you were signing yourself up for the big boys battle."_

 _Kevin shot a stern glare towards the now sniggering blond. "I did it to fulfill my duty to our king and country."_

 _"Yeah right. What was it that **really** got you motivated to convince yourself you're man enough to fight for our king and country?"_

 _Kevin stayed silent, hoping he would drop the slightly delicate matter._

 _"Received a white feather did you?"_

 _"No, I didn't!" Kevin snapped louder than intended, wincing at the very memory as if it had only happened just now._

 _Crilly shot him a glance of disbelief, knowing full well he'd hit a sore spot._

 _However, before Kevin could open his mouth to protest against Crilly's silent doubts, a bald, smaller but taut man with glasses joined them, the many medals instantly indicating his rank._

 _"General Spencer," the office boy who had been standing with the two captains the entire time said just as both Darling and Crilly saluted. "The new guys are here to see you, sir."_

 _The said General's facial features scanned the two men briefly before erupting into a greeting smile. "Ah, you're the new guys from Croydon, Captain Crilly, and Captain Darling!"_

 _A snort of amusement could be heard from his office boy stood beside him._

 _"William, really!" The general scolded, although Kevin strongly suspected the raise of his voice was only to cover up the fact he found his name just as equally hilarious._

 _"I do apologize sir."_

 _So much for the men in the army being more mature than schoolboys._

 _"I must admit, I thought the whole darling thing was a joke from one of the boys," the general joyfully admitted, grinning at the two captains as he made a move to sit down._

 _"I mean, I didn't think it was possible for any man to be cursed with such a feeble, poofy surname like that, but now I see the beholder of that name in person… Well, let's not go into that."_

 _Kevin stared at the general indifferently, while Crilly hid an arrogant smirk with the back of his hand. The general then continued._

 _"However, due to the slight name misunderstanding, you two shall have to work alongside each other in commanding the company on your side of the trench." Crilly and Darling turned to look at one another, scowling. "Besides, I rather suspect that you Darling would scarper from the slightest noise of a gun."_

 _Trying his best to avoid gawping at the general open-mouthed, Kevin decided to calmly stick up for himself. "With all due respect sir, I can assure you I am perfectly capable of controlling a company myself."_

 _General Spencer gave him a doubtful look and tutted. "It's all very well saying that now, but when your the type of fellow who has the physical capacity of a twig that would easily get blown over by a gust of wind, I'd rather not take the chance of you overexerting yourself, isn't that so Crilly?"_

 _"Of course." Crilly agreed with a smile as Kevin turned to look at him, lapping up the fact that the general seemed to be favoring him over Kevin. "After all, you know best sir."_

 _The way his nemesis managed to speak harmoniously yet so infuriatingly menacingly picked at every bone in Kevin's body._

 _"And you Kevin Darling?" The general questioned steadily, jolting Kevin from his train of thought when noticing both Crilly and General Spencer eying his every move._

 _"_ Yes, _sir."_

 _"That's that sorted then."_

 _Then in a matter of seconds, the general's former friendly demeanor abruptly hardened, sending shivers down Darlings spine._

 _"Now, you hardly need me to tell you that as you two are of a high ranking, your title of Captain comes with a lot of responsibilities, one of which is ensuring you set a good example to our men and maintaining that at all times."_

 _Both captains nodded._

 _"Secondly, there's something you should know about me and that is I don't take any bullshit, which means you aren't to take any bullshit either."_

 _Kevin had to use all his strength to suppress a series of gulps throughout the Generals rant._

 _"You see a so-called man sniveling in the corner, shouting and screaming that he's too scared to do what his King demands of him, you tell him that if he doesn't get off his cowardly backside, you'll show him the true meaning of fear!"_

 _Both captains took a brief look towards each other when General Spencer suddenly got up from his seat and began to slowly circle them._

 _"If you spot a spineless frog trying to blow his own toes off to work his ticket home, you take him straight to me and I'll set him up a little appointment with the boys at the shooting squad and teach him a lesson he shall never forget."_

 _The two captains were then subjected to a jump scare when the general smacked the table with his fist so hard before bursting into maniacal laughter, Kevin thought the entire thing would collapse under the force of his touch._

 _Once the shock of the unpredicted action wore off, Darling found himself struggling to regain his composition, much to the smug looking Crillys delight who effortlessly waved it off._

 _The general chuckled at both captains facial expressions before making his way back to his seat._

 _"So just to recap on what I've explained to you both, my three rules are, one, don't let anyone bullshit you into becoming a soft wipe. Two, never succumb to the ways of a coward, cowardice signifies weakness and weakness only robs a man from being the brave soul one should be."_

 _"And lastly of all, no fiddly diddling with each other's guns unless given consent. Is that clear?"_

 _"Yes sir," Darling and Crilly chorused, giving each other looks of unease._

 _"Good," was the last thing the general said before dismissing them._

 _As Kevin Darling nervously made his way out from General Spencer's office, the already frazzled captain inhaled a deep breath as a long-awaited thought screamed to escape from his mind._

 _If hell had suddenly decided to transfer itself into the real world, then this was surely the gateway to that exact location._

 _But little did he know, he hadn't yet seen anything of the sort._

* * *

 **So yeah that was the chapter. I must admit this isn't my favorite chapter I've written since for the life of me I cannot write Edmund Blackadder realistically, but the future chapters should be better.**

 **Again apologies for the mega long wait, funny that I said I was gonna update this chapter quicker than I did with the previous one but it turns out this one took even longer, *sigh*. So, therefore, I'm not gonna make an estimate for when the next chapter will be posted because I just don't trust myself at this moment in time.**

 **Anyhow, thanks for reading and see you when I have the next chapter up and ready for ya!**


	5. Trench life

**WARNING! Heavy descriptions of life in the trenches are featured in this chapter!**

 **Also as a side note, this is yet again a VERY long chapter. I got carried away again :/ (Oops!)**

* * *

Well, this was just perfect.

Not long after the digging fiasco that ended up with him gaining a noticeable bruise just above his forehead, did the issue of a leak coming from a German spy giving away each of their battle plans come to their attention. Then within minutes of the terrible news getting out did the General make the worst mistake possible and get Blackadder involved, meaning things were bound to be twisted for his own benefit.

Having decided Blackadder wasn't trustworthy of such a vital mission, Kevin had taken it into his own hands to keep an eye on him to avoid the risk of any funny business. However, like everything else in this bloody war, something just had to jeopardize his plans.

Which was how he found himself to be sat in the field hospital, after having the unpleasant and completely unnecessary experience of being shot in the foot.

God, how he hated hospitals. The rows upon rows of beds containing hundreds of injured soldiers surrounding him, the severity of some of those wounded exposed in its horrifying detail for all to see. The various noises of whimpering cries, shouts of pain, hacking coughs, nurses rushing newly admitted patients in the hospital fill his ears. Not to mention the bed he lies upon that has been occupied by many before him reek of death, the very force that lingers the atmosphere until it snatches you up.

Now all he could do was sit and wait for any further news of the pending investigation.

He blamed Blackadder entirely.

Damn that man! How he always managed to slither his way to grab the upper hand of a situation astounded him. Oh well, at least it gave him some time away from the office and General Melchetts bleating. Although, the thought wasn't all that comforting when the image of Blackadder's earlier extravagant interrogation of him sprang to mind, being tied to a chair with a potty on his head and the way he rigorously accused him of being a German spy, having left a particularly sour taste in his mouth.

Kevin let out a small sigh. If Tristan were here, he was certain he would have a few things to say to that medaling snake Blackadder. A few strong stern words from him and Blackadder's trap would be firmly shut.

Alas, those were not the circumstances he found himself to be in, meaning Blackadder remained free to speak ill of him.

He'd always been like that since the day they met. Kevin squeezed his eyes shut as the said memory suddenly came to mind.

 _"Ah, Captain Blackadder! Glad you could make it!" General Melchett had greeted, striding over towards the said man with a huge grin._

 _"Yes sir," Blackadder replied calmly._

 _"Now, you know what this is about don't you?" Melchett questioned, wiggling his bushy mustache proudly._

 _"Indeed I do," the Captain said, his smile growing wider._

 _"Splendid!" Melchett barked as Blackadder took a step closer towards him. "So without further hesitation, I officially declare that you Captain Blackadder, the most trusted amongst my men will be given the great honor of meeting my new secretary, Captain Darling!"_

 _The moment Darling was revealed sat in the chair in front of the desk, Blackadders triumphant smile vanished and was replaced with a scowl._

 _"Captain Darling?" Blackadder questioned, h_ _is voice somewhere between an inquiry and a shout._

 _"Yes!" Exclaimed the general, "he was sent over to me yesterday with the express purpose of doing my dirty work."_

 _"Right."_

 _"Well chuff, chuff then, I'll leave the pair of you to get to know each other!" With that, General Melchett left the room._

 _Once the coast was clear Blackadder began to approach Darling, who straightened himself out as he prepared to meet a new face._

 _"Hello Captain Blackadder, a pleasure to meet your acquaintance," he greeted, holding out his hand for the other Captain to shake._

 _"Not for me it bloody isn't!" He hissed, instantly causing the other captain to retract his hand._

 _"I'm sorry?" Kevin asked, genuinely confused as to what he had supposedly done wrong._

 _Blackadder snarled. "You git! I was this close to becoming General Melchetts secretary," the enraged captain moved his thumb and index finger so they just an inch apart to emphasize his point. "Then some blithering idiot whose surname screams out he's a total nancy with a mustache worse than Charlie Chaplin's nicks the job from right under my very nose, to avoid getting his lipstick mussed!"_

 _"I've certainly done no such thing!" Kevin exclaimed, appalled at not only how this Blackadder spoke to him but how his words seemed to pelt at him like multiple punches to the stomach. Although he was more than used to people making idiotic jibes about him, the way Blackadder did so aggravated a new line of nerves he wasn't aware that he had._

 _He made Captain Crilly look like cottage cheese._

 _"What did you do then?" Blackadder continued. "Bribe the officers by offering your service in providing perverted sexual favors to satisfy their ongoing needs?"_

 _By now Darling had reached beyond boiling point, the other captain's impudence grating at every bone in his body. Of course, the fact he could feel a huge twitch just moments away from leaving his eye didn't help in the slightest. So to save what little dignity he could present Blackadder with, Kevin with all the strength he could muster on holding the eye movement in away from prying eyes._

 _Desperately trying to think of some biting reply while still focusing on hiding the twitch that was getting more and more difficult to restain, as the tick continued to fight for its way out. Only moments later to lose all the concentration and effort he put into preventing the eye movement, when the sound of one his pencils clattered to the floor, resulting in a multitude of twitches all escaping at once. He then hid his face as if to somehow reverse what had happened._

 _But it was too late, Blackadder had seen them. Which he showed no remorse in taunting him with._

 _"Tweaked a nerve have I, Darling?" The nuisance of a man said, drawling out the other man's surname in a slow sarcastic manner, irking Kevin even more._

Kevin shuddered at the memory, his eye twitching simultaneously.

Wanting to quickly shake it off, he turned to the left where his gaze fell upon an injured soldier who wore a bandage that concealed half of his face, indicating a nasty head injury. However, despite wanting to turn back to face the front, Kevin found himself staring at the soldier when noticing he held a letter close to his chest.

Instantly making him think of Doris. He couldn't recall the last time he had written to her.

It pained him to do as much as imagine how worried she must be back at home.

Before he could dig any deeper into his thoughts, an onset wave of fatigue suddenly seized him. Just as he found himself slowly drifting into the world of slumber, images of various memories came into vision, once again holding him captive to the force of the past.

* * *

 _They had only been in the trenches for a few days and already it had been enough to place a pair of underpants on their heads and stick two pencils up their nose, in hopes to get sent back to England by pretending to be mad, not that it would have taken much convincing on Darlings part._ _However, with the importance of their job along with Kevins silent promise to Doris standing between them alone made the chance of that plan working virtually impossible._

 _So alas they were stuck._

 _But they were stuck with each other, which especially in Kevin's case meant a hell of a lot._

 _"Bloody hell that was nasty," Tristan stated as he and Darling stepped into their dugout, both men wearing looks of disdained revulsion as they clutched their stomachs._

 _"I think I should've gone with my instincts to skip the so-called food and made do with the mud beneath our feet, at least I know which end of the trench it came from."_

 _"Agreed," Tristan rubbed at his aching abdomen in understanding._ _"In fact, I don't think they even used food for this particular meal."_

 _Kevin chuckled._

 _"You writing to Doris?" Tristan asked when spotting the pen and paper in front of the captain, which by the looks of he'd been working on for some time._

 _Kevin nodded, not taking his eyes off the letter._

 _"Just think, one day all these letters you'll be sending her about this war could be made into a novel," Tristan mused, making Kevin turn round from what he was doing._

 _"Hardly."_

 _"I can see it now," Tristan said, getting up on his feet in order to organize himself into a heroic standing position. "Kevin, a soldiers tale, a huge rollercoaster of a novel, stacked with the searing reality of war in sixteen or more sizzling chapters!"_

 _"I really don't think so," Darling said with a faint smile and a slight shake of his head. If anyone had the ability to provide a smidgen of comforting relief amongst all the madness, it was Tristan._

 _"I think I'll just tell her that I'm alright and perhaps ask her to send some socks," Kevin concluded, staying true to his word as he picked up his pen to start writing._

 _"You can tell her to send over some fags and booze while you're at it!" Came the annoyingly recognizable voice of Captain Crilly entering the dugout, closely followed by Private Benjamin, a full-blown smirk running freely across his lips._

 _Kevin ignored him, soon provoking the other captain to begin his usual irritating jibes._

 _"So Darling, aren't you going to share what you've written with us?" Crilly chided, seemingly disappointed when the only reaction he got was Tristan briefly turning to face him._

 _"Not talking are we? Too busy scribbling away to avoid getting his bottom whipped I bet."_

 _Again Kevin tried his best to ignore him, admittedly getting harder to do as the burly blond continued to relentlessly tease him._

 _"Anyway, I thought Doris couldn't read? Crilly chortled. "What is she going to do with that letter, wipe her arse on it?"_

 _"How dare you!" Darling shouted, his plan to stay silent immediately tossed out of the window. The pen he was using suddenly exploded, leaving the bottom half of the page caked in ink. Seconds later opening the perfect opportunity for Crilly to pinch it._

 _"Return that at once!" Kevin snapped, having stood up from his crude makeshift bed and over to Crilly who lifted the letter just above his reach. Instantly reverting him back to his childhood years._

 _"Really Darling, didn't your parents ever teach you not to snatch?" Crilly mocked when Kevin was mere inches away from successfully retrieving his letter._

 _"Give that back!" Kevin demanded with gritted teeth, only causing Crilly to laugh at him again._

 _"Oh come on, it's not that bad. Well apart from all the sappy bits. which is pretty much all of it. Oh, except this bit that's covered in ink-"_

 _"Captain Crilly!" Darling snarled, dangerously close to losing his cool._

 _"Hey, don't kick your heels, Darling, no need to get feisty!"_

 _"Permission to speak sir?" Tristan stepped in to prevent any further drama ensuing as he approached the two captains with a thoughtful gleam in his eye, a look Kevin Darling was overly familiar with. Both Crilly and Darling then glanced briefly towards each other before simultaneously blurting out._

 _"Permission-"_

 _"GRANTED!" Kevin shouted over Crilly who sent him a withering scowl in response._

 _"Thank you, sir," Tristan thanked with expressed gratitude before turning to face the bored blond._

 _"Now I just wanted to inform Captain Crilly here that not only is his behavior towards as some may call it, the funny nature to the Captain's surname highly unprofessional of someone of his rank, but it also goes against the main principles of setting a good example for your men and maintaining that at **all** times." _

_For a minute or so the dugout was silent. Kevin who despite remaining in his officious position, hid a smirk at Tristan's success at shutting Crilly up, while Crilly himself wore a look of indignation as he glanced up and down at the Lieutenant with a_ _frown. Seconds later, his facial features becoming sharper as he lowered his voice to speak to the latter._

 _"I can have you court marshaled for that."_

 _"No you can't," Kevin swiftly interrupted, "I gave the Lieutenant my express permission to speak. Besides, you will soon be put into your place when I inform the general of this incident."_

 _"You know as well as I do that the general favors me over the pair of you," Crilly retorted with a smug grin while crossing his arms._

 _Kevin raised a questioning eyebrow. "That may be so, but I remember the general saying quite distinctly upon how he felt about the notion of one of his men breaking his explicit rules."_

 _"You what?"_

 _"I believe what Captain Darling here is saying is that you either stop with the vulgar jibes towards him, or you can risk the General finding out about your little shenanigans and your attempts at fiddling with our guns. I do dread to think how little respect the General would have for you if he found out sir."_

 _Kevin and Tristan shared a beam of satisfaction,_ _watching as Crilly's entire facial expression fell into one of intense realization. The cogs in his brain seemingly thinking over which of the two options he was to chose from appalled him more to abstain._

 _"Alright!" Crilly spat some time later. "I shall refrain from making any more offensive jokes regarding your surname or about you in general!"_

 _"Thank you," Kevin promptly responded, the relishing smirk of delight still present. Once Crilly had stomped out from the dugout with a perturbed Benjamin scuttling after him, he and Tristan both gave out a lighthearted chuckle. Knowing that for now, they were on top of the game._

* * *

 _27th October 1914_

 _It has been over a month since I_ _left Croydon to join this monstrosity, and it's safe to say that trench life is just as revolting and squalid as I imagined it to be._

 _Everyone is crammed in together. Filth, mud, grime, and sweat are just a small proportion of the horrible conditions we have to live in. The stench consisting of rotting flesh, feces and disease that would easily overwhelm you as it snakes up your nostrils, is enough to make you be violently sick on the spot. The noise is unbearable. Sometimes it's so atrociously loud that I have to clamp my hands over my ears in order to block it out. Needless to say, that tactic proved useless._

 _The work itself can only be described as hard labor. For many grueling hours a day, we either spend within the intense bombardment of the Germans or enduring long durations of boredom. For me, neither aspect of the situation was as some call noble, as the danger of being killed hangs around you like a six hundred tonne weight just waiting to fall on top of you._

 _If you lose concentration for one moment, it could be your last. You catch on to that very quickly like I did when Private Percy Green who was a decent enough young man, yet perhaps a little underfurnished when it came to the brain department, got shot right between the eyes. He owed Tristan a shilling from a game of cards the previous night, well he won't be seeing that again._

 _There has been some talk of all this being over by Christmas. They keep saying it won't be long until we're able to go back home, that the Germans will surrender any day now and that we shall rise to glory._

 _Let's just say_ _my hopes aren't high._

* * *

 _10th November 1914_

 _The events in which my eyes have seen over the past week are too horrific for words. Nevertheless, I shall try my best for the sake of this diary._

 _Just a couple of days after my previous diary entry I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing the atrocity of trench foot up close and personal. I was awoken by the sounds of agonizing screams from a man who I wasn't familiar with, only when I came out to see what the problem was did the horrific sight of it hit me square in the face._ _His feet had swollen up to three times their normal size, the raw gangrenous skin covered in huge red angry sores, accompanied by what must have been excruciatingly painful bleeding blisters. It really was quite a nasty sight, but not nearly as bad as the sight of the man's face when the daunting realization came to him that he would most likely lose the leg._

 _If that wasn't horrifying enough, we were soon also subjected to the hassle of lice. These little buggers the size of a grain of rice, each with its own bite, each with its own intolerable itch crawling over every inch of the body. These repulsive creatures drove men crazy, causing them to undergo unstoppable states of frenzied scratching. Not only that, but it wasn't until days later that we had the joy of discovering these vile pests carried a disease that we now call trench fever, this being one of many reasons we are losing men so rapidly._ _The only way to get rid of them was to run the seam of your shirt over the flame of a candle, which let's just say without practice would often result_ _in inflicting more pain on yourself than the lice._

 _Then there are the rats. Oh god, even writing about them makes my nausea flare up. I can barely walk around the trenches without crossing paths with a rodent, as the entire area is overrun by them. They feast on whatever traces of food they pilfered from us, growing fat on anything they can get their grubby paws on, some as big as cats. Even where we slept was infested by them, myself having had the dreadful experience of being bitten on the ear during the middle of the night, whereas Tristan woke up to find one sitting just mere inches from his face. Even Crilly looked perplexed when discovering a pair of them scurrying across him, tussling for the possession of a severed body part._

 _To top it all off, we were recently a victim of a gas attack. One minute we were getting on with our normal procedures, the next shouts about gas quickly filled my ears. Then in a matter of seconds, we're all fumbling clumsily with our gas masks, fitting them on just in time. Except for one poor sod who doesn't quite manage it, he soon suffers for his slowness as he blunders about helplessly, hands over his face when crying out in pain and desperation to breathe. By the time the gas had subsided, the substance had him embraced within it's deathly hold, draining the life out of his being until left for dead._

 _I've written all I can bear for one day._

* * *

 _23rd November 1914_

 _Today we have received a new line of men to replace the staggering hundreds we've lost. However, when it came to giving them their orders did it occur to me that most of them didn't look old enough to shave. One soldier, in particular, stood out from the rest. He had informed me that his name was Ernie Rodgers who I knew for a fact was underage, just by hearing the ongoing painful process of him breaking into his adult voice as he spoke._

 _I then take a closer look at our new fellows, they look so unnaturally clean. I can sense the burning passion to get out there and fight to do their king and country proud radiating from their youthful faces. The way they confidently stood awaiting their orders to get themselves stuck into the adventure baffled me. The fun and games they like many others were inclined to believe this war to be quite frankly made me sick to the stomach._

 _What they didn't yet understand was that this 'adventure' will most likely be their last, but they soon would._

 _Little did those boys know what horrors were in store for them. If I had the guts to openly tell them just how ghastly, nauseating, and distressing this war really was, I could guarantee they would wish to return home faster than a bullet could hit them._

 _I despair of those recruiting officers back in Blighty. Next, they would be charging round villages, snatching all the little boys they came across, slapping gas masks on their faces and sending them off to war._

 _I dread to think what desperate measures these people will take to if this war goes on for much longer._

* * *

 _8th December 1914_

 _Today shall be one of the most difficult I have to face._

 _As today is my sweetheart Doris's birthday, and m_ _y heart yearns for nothing more than to be back home._

 ** _Home._**

 _The one word that has almost become a foreign aspect to me._

 _Oh, how I miss home. The enchanting aromas of various bits of home cooking wafting up my nose, the beautiful scenery of the meadow Doris and I used to go for picnics on, the bolt of joy that rushes through me as the Croydon cricket team yet again beat the opposition. Not to mention the warm loving hug my sweetpea Doris greets me with after coming back from work._

 _I can imagine her now, with those beautiful emerald green eyes staring up at me. Her rosy cheeks complementing that charming smile that could turn any man's heart into mush. I can almost hear her soft laugh as her auburn brown hair tickles my cheeks, those smooth arms of hers wrapping themselves around me as I nuzzle myself into her gentle embrace._

 _Now the only type of hug I will be close to getting is a bullet plummeting through my chest_.

* * *

 _17th December 1914_

 _Today I feel like a total monster._

 _I lost my temper at our youngest soldier Ernie._

 _I have absolutely no idea what came over me that very moment I yelled at him to get up off his backside and join the others on patrol, my anger not once relenting when catching sight of his shuddering, tearstained face when responding to my orders with a raspy 'yes sir'. It was only after taking a few moments to calm myself back into rational thought when the ice cold guilt rushed inside of me, squeezing at my brain._

 _God knows what kind of terrible effect my sudden outburst had on the boy, especially since he's now the last surviving member out of his group of friends he joined with less than a month ago. Most of them having died due to snipers or diseases within the first two weeks of arriving, while the rest having been wounded subsequently later on. Leaving Ernie isolated with only the intrusive memories of their last agonizing moments swarming over him._

 _What made the situation even worse was the look of unease Tristan gave me afterwards._

 _Some people would say I'm just doing what is expected of me, that I am performing my duty. I_ _, however, call it being unnecessarily harsh towards those who were just as terrified of the outcome as I am._

 _God, I really do feel awful about the whole situation._

 _It's this bloody war that's causing my irrational behavior, I'm sure of it._

 _Let's hope that Ernies will to survive is stronger than my grip onto what little remains of my sanity._

* * *

 _25th December 1914_

 _Christmas day. Where everyone's feeling jolly, singing various carols with the family around a steaming hot turkey roast dinner on the dinner table, exchanging presents under the Christmas tree while surrounding themselves within the joyful celebration of peace and harmony?_

 _No such bloody luck here._

 _While there has been the talk of a Christmas truce in other areas, none of it has come our way_ _._

 _But even if it did, what difference would it make?_

 _For one, the weather is getting worse. The harsh bite of winters wrath leaves you practically frozen solid, while the wind and snow that howls through the desolate marsh we stand in numbing all feeling in your body, leading to the increasing cases of trench foot and other complications, taking out yet more of our men._

 _Secondly, what is there to be festive about? I mean we're hardly going to be bearing gifts for each other, while having jolly japes about the number of men we've killed on our allied side, nor are we going to be tucking into a divine, traditional Christmas meal. We'd be lucky to receive a measly tin of some kind of canned meat that tastes as if it had come from an animals backside._

 _And thirdly, what is the point in this truce when the next day we'd surely be going back to senselessly slaughtering each other? This truce wouldn't be the end to this war. If anything I wouldn't be surprised if it was all just some horrendous trick by the Germans to lure our side out from the trenches, then shoot them for their stupidity at having fallen for their treacherous plan._

 _I imagine the Germans must be having a field day with that one._

* * *

 _6th January 1915_

 _Today was supposed to be another normal day of wasting my life in the trenches._

 _For a moment it looked as if I was to be correct in my assumption, but I was soon proved wrong when the sounds of bellowing caught my attention._

 _I was about to investigate when the voice of Captain Crilly informed me that we had a deserter on our hands, seconds later approaching me with no other than Ernie Rodgers detained at his side, yanking him up whenever he proceeded to fall down._

 _He'd tried to run._

 _Tried to escape the horrors I wished to flee from the beginning. The difference was Ernie had been desperate enough to shout out and do something about it._

 _Now he was being held firmly to the ground, his arm getting crushed under Crilly's strong grip, his crestfallen facial expression at having failed to get away wet with tears he refused to shed._

 _From that moment I couldn't tell what was worse. The way Ernie looked, how other soldiers were looking at him, or the fact that Crilly who seemed to take some kind of twisted pleasure out of all this grinned when bending down to his level and hissing out in a mock sickly sweet voice, "do you know what happens to slimy little cowards like you?"_

 _Ernie shook his head frantically, not all keen to find out the answer._

 _"They get court marshaled and taken to be set up for a dawn appointment with the great lads at the firing squad."_

 _Before Eries eyes even got the chance to widen Crilly had already taken charge, dragging the boy desperate to wriggle out of his clutches across the dugout in devastating silence._

 _All I could do was watch as Crilly barked at Ernie to move along before disappearing into the distance._

 _It wasn't until later that evening when I discovered he was being held in a prison cell, giving me the perfect opportunity to find out why a boy who was clearly not nineteen signed up for this._

 _As soon as I entered his cell his eyes shot up to look at me from his crouched postion, unsure of what to expect. Looking around the cell briefly I noticed the area possessed a bitter chill that made me involuntary shiver, the murky atmosphere projecting the inner sorrows of any man doomed to spend his last living moments under the knife._

 _"Private Ernie Rodgers stand up." He immediately stood._

 _"How old are you?"_

 _"I'm nineteen sir," he replied instantly, too quickly to be believable. All it took was one stern look directed towards him and he complied._

 _"Okay, I'm fourteen sir."_

 _At his revelation, I nearly choked on my own breath. When I was fourteen I was still stumbling over my own feet, while learning how to talk to girls without sounding like a French man having intercourse._

 _"What on earth made you want to join up at your age?!" I blurted out, not considering how loud or exasperated my tone of voice was until Ernie flinched as if I had slapped him across the face._

 _"I-I had to," Ernie began with a heavy stammer inflicting on his ability to speak. "I was on my way back home one day and a group of women came up to me, started shouting at me, demanding why I wasn't in uniform, calling me horrible names like a filthy chicken and a coward, one even got out a white feather and jabbed me in the chest with it. It was humiliating, I felt dreadful, ashamed of myself for not enlisting, for being a coward."_

 _Ernie paused, scrabbling with attempted grace to gather what he could of his dignity by moving his slick black hair from his face. "Then I saw the posters. They were all so convincing, making me believe that signing up was the best thing I could do for myself, that I was going to help lead my country up and over to glory. I thought me going out to war would finally make my parents feel proud to call me their son, that I wasn't just some puny little tick compared to my two older brothers."_

 _Ernie paused again, this time for longer. Just as I thought he wasn't going to say anymore, he opened his mouth to speak._

 _"Before I knew it my close groups of friends and I was queuing up to join, the moment I told the recruiting officer I was nineteen, the lie just slipped from my tongue, smoothly and without hesitation as if it was the actual truth. When I got here I was so determined to get sucked into the action. They told us it was going to be a great adventure that we could one day tell our kids, that we would be heroes. Then everything happened so suddenly. Parker and Stewart were the first to go down, soon followed by Saunders and Cox, then went Harrison, and soon enough I was the only one left. I couldn't cope with the guilt, that I was still alive while they were all lying there, dead and departed. I have frequent nightmares, their spirits join me in the night, begging me to save myself, that it's not worth the risk of me getting killed, and today I listened and I failed."_

 _If I did have something to say in response, it instantly escaped me. I can't believe just how much Ernie and I had in common in just a short amount of time, like me he joined upon the notion that by signing up would earn him the title of bravery he craved for people to believe he was. Right now I could picture myself in him, heart to heart. The difference was my heart would still be beating tomorrow._

 _The tears he'd been holding in for god knows how long burst forth like water from a dam, the muscles in my eye trembled as I watched them spilling down his face. This wasn't the proud, determined boy I was introduced to back in November, this was a terrified, lost soul who had seen things a boy of his tender age should have known nothing about. A place with no morals._

 _It was only when his raw emotion packed sobs that shook his body so fiercely he could easily pass out, that I rummaged through my pocket and pulled out my last cigarette. Ernie's sobs subside a little as I pass the cigarette his way which he cautiously accepts, After lighting it for him, he begins to take long drags of smoke from it._

 _"T-thank you, sir," he manages to breathe out, looking down at the floor as he spoke. He then looks back up at me, a question seconds away from leaping out from his lips._

 _"Who will be executing me?"_

 _"You will have a blindfold on, you won't be able to see," was all I could say in response. But what was about to come out from Ernie's mouth shocked me into silence._

 _"I don't wish to have a blindfold, please sir, that is all I ask."_

 _"Very well," I say in agreement, unsure of how else I was to respond to such a request. "Goodbye Private Ernie Rodgers," I say as a final mark of my words._

 _"Goodbye, and thank you for everything sir."_

 _The moment those words left his mouth I felt myself choke up, a sudden lump occurring in the back of my throat as I took a few deep breaths to steady myself. With one final look towards him, I leave the room. His last words whirling across my mind._

* * *

 _I'm not even going to bother writing the bloody date, as every day it's the same ridiculous carnage over and over again._

 _Besides, I hardly wish to associate a particular date with what I am about to witness._

 _As dictated, the group of men who were to execute Ernie marched to the quarry at the crack of dawn, soon followed by Ernie himself who was brought from a shed and led to a chair, to which he was then bound with a white handkerchief placed over his heart as the target area. The blindfold as requested not present._

 _Looking closely at him he was calm and collected, nothing like the petrified boy I spoke with the previous night. He'd obviously come to terms with what he must face, yet it still baffled me somewhat as most would be tugging at the bonds they were attached to, in case of a miracle that they could still make a run for it. But Ernie did nothing of the sort._

 _Turning my attention to the firing squad, some of the men clearly unable to face the ordeal had gotten themselves drunk overnight. I'm not all too surprised, after all, I could barely say I wouldn't have done the same thing if I was in their position._

 _My attention was soon diverted back to Ernie once the order for the company to raise their rifles was given. A couple of the men's hands shook so vigorously they wouldn't have been able to aim straight if they tried._

 _"Aim."_

 _Amongst the deadly mist of silence, the sounds of Ernies steady yet bated breathing filled my ears. His eyes glued onto mine as if I served as some kind of comfort to the boy. The last thing the poor sod needed was the image of Crilly's menacing grin at seeing the man endure his 'rightful' punishment being the final thing for him to set eyes upon._

 _Then came the dreaded order._

 ** _"Fire!"_**

 _The gunshots went off. When the gunsmoke had cleared away I was shocked to find that although he was wounded, he was somehow still alive despite blood running freely down his chest._

 _The medical officer wasted no time in examining him. Once it was made clear that Ernie wasn't dead, a revolver was pulled out and handed over to me. My heart going like the clappers as I was given looks from the other officers that said, 'finish him off.'_

 _Stepping forward to place the finishing touch with the said revolver held to the poor boy's temple, making sure my facial expression seemed emotionless as I looked into Ernies now pale complexion, with just enough strength to look back up at me with dimming blue eyes. Not even a cry was heard when I pressed the trigger, killing him instantly._

 _The deed was done. Ernie had paid the price of 'fleeing from the face of the enemy' and was now free to join his friends._

 _God have mercy on his soul._

* * *

He must have been thrashing and talking aloud in his sleep as he'd managed to attract the attention of a weary nurse when he woke up with a start. The way her hand was positioned on his shoulder, it was apparent she'd been trying to wake him for some time.

"Are you alright sir?" The nurse questioned, her bulging brown eyes fixed on his heavy blue ones. Kevin soon found himself unable to respond.

"Bad dream sir?" She then tried as a different tactic.

"E-er, yes," Darling replied, his stupid stammer yet again messing around with his ability to speak.

"I-I think I'll be alright now," Kevin added, breathing through his nose to prevent his voice from becoming raspy. Adding a small smile for good measure, though not quite sure whether it was to convince the nurse he would be fine, or as an act of self-comfort.

Although the nurse looked skeptical, she did eventually leave his side, leaving the exhausted Captain once again alone within the barriers of his mind.

Once he'd rearranged himself to a relatively comfortable position he slowly laid his head back onto the pillow with a sigh, silently thanking the lord that nobody such as the likes of Blackadder was here to see this.

Unknown to him, from the corner of the room, Blackadder had witnessed the entire thing.

* * *

 **And that's the chapter.**

 **I do apologize if Captain Darling sounded OOC throughout any of this, it's just how I imagined him to react to certain situations.**

 **Also sorry if I have made any historical errors that put you off this story.**

 **Anyhow, thanks for reading and I'll see you next time :D**


	6. Condemned to be a coward

**Hello everyone!**

 **Yes, that's right, another chapter is here in front of your very eyes, and this time it didn't take me a whole month to do it :D**

 **Now the story continues.**

* * *

Coward.

The one word that in one way or another has been associated with him for as long as he could remember.

As a child, he was often subjected to the name by both his classmates and the adults involved in his life.

The very first time he'd properly heard of the phrase was the choice of words his own father had hurled at him during an argument between him and his mother. He'd only been three years old at the time so didn't fully understand the meaning behind it, but what he did know was that it would be the start of a very complex chain of events.

After that Crilly had taken up the task of heedlessly taunting him on a daily basis, more often than not did the word coward along with many others came tossed his way. Every time that dreaded word left his lips felt as if he'd cut himself then had salt sprinkled on it, the great affliction increasing by the day. Though it did become a little easier to handle once his and Tristan's paths had crossed.

Even Tristan's gran had openly called him a cowardly custard when being reluctantly introduced to her shortly after he and Tristan had become friends, the way it flawlessly slipped from her lips as if she'd been let in on the long-term plan to break him down bit by bit. Then again, it had soon become apparent that she hadn't liked anyone.

But it wasn't until this war began that the word coward took a whole new meaning to him.

Never had it occurred to him that a single event could change his entire perspective of one word within just a matter of seconds. That event being a conversaton between him and General Spencer.

 _"Sir, I have reason to believe that the soldier Ernie Rodgers we're to have executed at dawn is underage," had been Kevin's attempt at saving the boy soldier from impending doom by informing General Spencer of his profound discovery shortly after their one to one talk. S_ _oon realizing his efforts were to go to no avail as he watched the General glower down at him, his fists clenched as if he were to hit him for his unreasonable actions._

 _"If a boy's old enough to come strutting into a recruitment office, claiming he's a macho man, then he's old enough to take responsibility for his actions," the General counter-argued, pointing a stern finger towards the Captain who seemed to shrink at the impact of his words. "Besides, any so-called man who in a perilous situation thinks with his legs is nothing more than a gutless, pigeon-hearted coward. Even a feeble-bodied man of your position should understand that."_

 _The moment General Spencer finished his sentence left Kevin speechless. There was nothing his brain could wrack up that would have served as an appropriate response._

 _"Yes sir," was all he could say after spending a good couple of minutes in silence._

 _Just as he was about to make his way out from the Generals office, a loud clearing of the throat stopped him in his tracks. With a sharp rise of the eyebrow, the General gestured for Kevin to sit on the chair infront of him, causing the Captain to feel slightly uneasy. Once he'd sat down the General causally leaned forward, hands clasped together, his firm expression softening a little._

 _"Kevin Darling, I'm telling you this not because I think your a squeamish little toad that would dive three feet underwater to escape his duties, but for your own, if you like to call it, incentive."_

 _Darling gulped but swallowed down his fear with a nod._

 _"I shall not repeat this so listen carefully. Cowards die many times before their deaths, the valiant never taste of death but once."_

 _Darling gulped for the second time, knowing exactly what the Generals words meant._

 _"Understood sir," he responded in a whispered agreement as he stood up to leave, sensing General Spencers pondering eyes following him out the room._

Never in his life had he experienced something so eye-opening as this. The reality of his role in all this plain and clear for him to see.

He just hoped he wouldn't succumb to becoming the coward everyone else in his life were convinced he was.

* * *

 _He's got no idea on how long he's been asleep for, but what he does know that he's once again trapped under the clutches of a morbid nightmare._

 _But this time it's different._

 _He's in the midst of it all. The agonizing screams of fellow soldiers echoing within the distance, their shadows displaying the horrific trauma they sustain. The bellowing gunshots attacking them from all angles. Bullet whizzing past his head, close enough to shave his skin. The rain that falls in crazy chaotic drops saturating him, the gusting wind carrying them in wild vortices one moment then in diagonal sheets the next._

 _All of a sudden the catastrophic scene seems to fade as an unknown source of light shines into view._

 _At first, Kevin fears the worst._

 _"I'm dead, oh god I'm dead," he whispers. Only to be proved wrong when the gunshots start up again._

 _However, the focus on the gunshots soon shifts when the light that now engulfs his vision arranges itself into a human form, seconds later dimming down to reveal the instantly recognizable figure of his lifelong best friend looking straight at him._

 _"Tristan," Kevin breathes out in a mixture of shock and joy. "Tristan my god, you're safe!" He then adds in a triumphant squeal of delight._

 _At first, Tristan doesn't say a word, just stands there. Having noticed his friend's unusual lack of a response, Kevin's moment of relief draws to a halt when taking a closer look at Tristan's appearance._

 _It's at that moment he notices several scars across his face, his eyes that once held such character now dull and lost. Structure wise he's thin and frail from the shortage of food, swaying ever so slightly as the unsteadiness of his physical state takes its toll on him. Despite his attenuated image, he's calm and collected amongst all the chaos around them, unfazed by the ruthless pelts of rain battering his face. Or perhaps he didn't care._

 _But then something changes. Looking up at his friend, Kevin watches Tristan's emotionless facial expression examine him as if he were only now beginning to recognize him. He's soon approaching him, a strong steady march guiding his footsteps towards him. Kevin smiles as he gets closer, hoping he would receive the same reaction. A_ _sharp chill runs down Darlings spine as he watches Tristan's features harden with every step he takes, Kevin's smile vanishes completely when realizing his friend's powerful strides were in aid of anger, the tension of his muscles making it clear that this wasn't to be a jolly reunion._

 _"YOU BLOODY COWARD!" Tristan barks as he grabs the Captain by the collar, gritting his teeth in pure rage as spit flies from his mouth and right onto Darling's cheek, seconds later turning to face the other way, taking deep shuddering breaths. He then slowly turns back round to look at Kevin square in the face, not once breaking the eye contact._

 _Darling, on the other hand, is shaking furiously, the word coward ringing in his ears during the time he spends attempting to gather up the courage to explain himself. He is soon silenced when finding himself only inches apart from Tristan, h_ _is clouded brown eyes darkening when whispering his next choice of words barely audible._

 _"You left me to die."_

 _Kevin gasps the moment they leave his mouth. "I-I d-didn't, Tristan please!"_

 _"I didn't, I didn't!" Tristan coarsely imitates with various hand gestures, mocking Darling's desperation for him to listen._

 _"Well luckily for me I know someone who unlike **you,** doesn't scarper in the face of fear." Darlings eye twitched sharply at Tristan's emphasis on himself. He then made a move to his left, startling Kevin for a second before realizing someone was to join them._

 _"Hello Darling," came the all too familiar voice of Captain Blackadder as he stepped into view. A wide Cheshire cat grin dancing across his lips which he directed towards the whimpering Kevin before taking his place next to Tristan._

 _"B-B-B-Blackadder?" Kevin stammered, his heart hammering against his chest when gawping in horror at the one person he didn't wish to lay eyes upon, was yet again here to torture him for his own amusement. He couldn't even get away from Blackadder in his dreams._

 _"Now," Tristan began, swiftly interrupting the quivering Kevin, he and Blackadder taking a brief glance towards each other, sharing a moment of manic glee. "My friend Blackadder and I reckon its time you were charged for the offense of cowardice."_

 _Darling stared at the two men, his mouth wide open in sheer disbelief._

 _"B-b-but Tristan, y-you can't be friends with him, anyone but him! He's the most medalling, untrustworthy man in the entire army!"_

 _Tristan scoffed. "Oh, and I can trust you can I?" Seconds later Kevin clamps a hand over his mouth, desperate to hold his stomach contents in as Tristan lifts up his shirt to reveal the raw extent of his injuries, his entire bottom half having been blown clean off then sewn back on, leaving him with hideous scars._

 _Captain Darling was at a loss for words._

 _"That's what I thought," Tristan spat darkly. "Which is why it's only right that you should die for your offenses," he then added in a terrifyingly calm tone._

 _At that moment Kevin tried to approach his friend, only to discover that he was tied to a pole, the bounds which firmly held his hands to his back tightening with every move he made._

 _"Seems as though you won't be able to wriggle out of this one my darling!" Tristan sniggered haughtily, grinning with delight when Kevin twitched at the jibe towards his surname. Something he'd been on the receiving end of by many, but never Tristan. The very fact alone making the situation much more painful._

 _Eyes bulging, Kevin had to refrain from himself from letting a high pitched squeaking sound as he watches Tristan take out his gun. But instead of placing the bullet inside it, he slowly lifts it up and passes it to Blackadder who accepts the weapon gracefully._

 _"If you would like to do the honors sir."_

 _"Why thank you, Lieutenant Malone," Blackadder responds with a satisfied raise of the eyebrow._

 ** _"READY!"_** _Tristan_ _then shouts, making sure to project his voice so both men know what is to come._

 _Kevin's breathing is bordering on hyperventilation as he watches Blackadder load his gun, a devilish smirk running across his lips, making his entire face gleam with pride._

 ** _"AIM!"_**

 _"Tristan I beg of you, please reconsider your wish to kill me!" Darling tries to reason with him once more as hot tears run freely down his cheeks. Tristan ignores him. He can't work out which is worse. The fact that Blackadder held the gun that in a matter of minutes would ultimately end his life, or that Tristan took pleasure of counting down what little time he had left on earth._

 _"Any last words Darling?" Blackadder questions, his voice dripping with false sincerity._

 _Kevin opens his mouth to comply but is unable to formulate even the simplest of sentences. Whimpering as his eyes trace Tristan and Blackadder's every movement, Captain Darling can feel the shadow of death hover over him, the atmosphere suddenly becoming colder, his fate drawing nearer to a close._

 _"I-"_

 ** _"FIRE!"_**

 _With a pained yelp, Kevin Darling jolts to the ground, the raging hot bullet tearing tunnels through his chest. Seconds later nausea bubbles within him, which combined with the agony of the single gunshot causes the air around him to sting him like an army of wasps going for the same area._

 _With his vision rapidly declining, from the very corner of his eye, Kevin is only just about able to make out the shadow of his former best friend mouthing the word coward before turning on his heel with Blackadder in tow, beaming at each other with substantial accomplishment._

 _"Tristan wait!" Darling cries, but it's too late, Tristan was gone. He had left him to die._ _Shakily lifting the hand he'd placed on his chest soon after the bullet hit, he lets out a horrified gasp as the sight of his palm caked in his own blood fills his fuzzy view._

 _All he could do now was sink into the grasp of death clutching him, the task of breathing becoming harder to carry out with each second that ticks by. Soon enough his raspy gulps for air catch on each other, all feeling in his body draining away as his heartbeat pounds loudly, alongside his fading screaming pleas._ _His consciousness now floating in and out through an empty space filled with a thick static, the reminders of his life blurring in front of him._

 _He tries calling for help, but no one comes._

 _He never wanted this._ _He doesn't deserve this._

 _He's going to die, he can sense it all too well._

 _He can't die, he doesn't want to die._

 _No one cares that he's going to die._

 _He doesn't deserve to die._

 _He's all alone, on the cold hard ground bleeding to death. The last breath he is to take robs him of his ability to speak, a cry dies in his throat as the unstoppable force of darkness looms over him..._

"Arghhhhh!" Is the blood-curdling scream Kevin lets out before he can stop himself, with only enough time to thrust the duvet to the floor before his door slams open, revealing a fuming General Melchett in front of it. If looks could kill he would be a well and truly dead man. All he could do was helplessly watch the General glare daggers into him, his mustache twitching as anger overrides him.

"What on earth is the meaning of this Darling?!" General Melchett yelled, his tense posture making the said Captain wish for nothing more than to shrink away.

"S-spider sir," Darling quickly babbled out, not wanting to prolong the conversation any further than necessary.

"You really are a confounded fool aren't you?!" General Melchett responded with a sharp harrumph, pointing an irked finger towards the latter who stared at the floor in silence.

"Yes, sir," the captain agreed in a defeated whisper.

With one last muttered comment about him being a good for nothing imbecile, General Melchett spun on his heel and out of the room. Leaving Kevin to fight with his inner sorrows as he makes a hasty grab for his duvet, slamming his head onto the pillow before tossing the sheets over himself.

Clutching at the material as his facial features crumple up, no effort is made to stifle the gut-wrenching sobs that escape him that night.

* * *

The following morning brought no joy to the table. The number of hours of sleep lost to those recurring nightmares were beginning to take a serious toll on the captain. Today had been by far the worst morning he'd ever experienced, and what made matters worse was that Blackadder was on his way to the office under General Melchetts orders.

Standing up to relieve himself from the stiffness of his muscles due to hours of sitting in the same position, Kevin rolled his shoulders backwards, releasing a few pops and cracks from various places. He then proceeded to walk around the office, his legs also in need of a good stretch. Despite it having been over a month since being shot in the foot, he still limped a little. No way on earth would he limp in front of Blackadder, after all, he had to hold some dignity to his name.

He was about to make his way back to his seat when the doors to the office burst open, his nemesis Blackadder stepping through without as much as a salute for him. However, due to Blackadders arrival, his focus had been placed on the other Captains movements, resulting in Darling misjudging the distance between him and the desk, stumbling into the said object.

"What do you want Darling?" Blackadder cuts in, eying up his recent moment of clumsiness.

"That's Captain Darling to you!" Kevin snaps as he regains his officious composure with an irritable twitch, retreating back to behind the desk to avoid Blackadder's presence.

After waiting a couple of minutes in total silence for the General who still hadn't turned up, a thoroughly bored Blackadder began to once again taunt the latter.

"You know Darling, I'm beginning to think that you actually _like_ having me around to keep you in check."

"I only tolerate you for military purposes and not for any other reason, believe you me!" Darling spat, directing a withering scowl at Blackadder whose facial features seemed to laugh at the very gesture.

"I see," meaning he didn't. He then raised an eyebrow, irking the other captain whose all too aware of the underlining slyness that lay beneath the innocent action.

"Dammit, Blackadder!" Darling cursed. "Honestly, I have a good mind to-"

"To do what?" Blackadder interrupted. "Paperclip me to death?"

Darling let out a sarcastic huff. "Don't flatter yourself Blackadder, I wouldn't put my paperclips through such a frivolous act of torture."

"But you see no problem in doing that to me?"

At this point, Darling was more than tempted to tell that mouthy git to sod off. But after some consideration, he thought better of it and settled for the silent treatment. Arguing with Blackadder only seemed to increase his inability to deal with deluded idiots who thought big of themselves, dealing with General Melchett was more than enough to cope with on a daily basis. Speaking of whom still hadn't turned up for his appointment.

What was keeping him?

A sharp twinge in his chest drags his thoughts away from the General, his surroundings changing drastically from the familiar sights of the office to one of the battlefield.

 _He's no longer looking at Blackadder. Instead, he's looking at Tristan caked in blood, silently clutching his gun and shaking his head, his face twisted in a mixture of fury and anguish at how he'd been brave and died while Kevin who'd escaped was still amongst the living. Just like he was in the dream._

 _"Coward!" He shouts, fat tears sliding down his cheek, his facial features scrunching up in disgust._

 _"Coward!" He shouts again, only this time louder with a booming impact to his voice, making it sound like a clap of thunder ready to pound Darling into oblivion._

 _Kevin can only lower his head in shame, he can't bear to look at him, there's nothing he can do that would make a jut of difference._

 _"Coward!" Tristan yells, again and again, soon manifesting into a chorus of chants. Each time more sinister and aggressive, that one word sending Kevin further into a state of guilt-induced panic._

 _He can't cope, he has to find a way to stop this._

 _"Tristan, please..."_

"Tristan?" The familiar voice belonging to Blackadder questioned, raising a confused eyebrow towards the flustered captain, jolting him back to the present.

"What?" Kevin said in an exasperated gasp.

Blackadder gave him a look crossed between a frown and a curious glance. "Who's Tristan?" He repeated, looking at Darling straight in the eyes.

"What on earth are you talking about?" The other Captain questioned sternly, both hands firmly gripping the pencil he was currently using.

"Triss-tan," Blackadder said in a patronizingly slow voice. "Sounds like someone quite important, so, who is he?"

Kevin did a double take, the reality of the situation suddenly kicking into gear. At first completely baffled as to how Blackadder was spouting out the one name that meant a significant amount to him, even more so when he'd never openly talk about his friend to anyone, especially not to the likes of Blackadder.

Unless he-

 _Oh god..._

"H-how much did you hear exactly?" Kevin asked as fiercely as he could master, a heavy stammer dominating his tone of voice as the possible reason abruptly occurred to him.

"Well apart from your incessant mumbling, your unsteady breathing and the mentioning of Tristan's name several times, nothing much really," Blackadder dryly retorted.

 _Just as he had suspected._

Kevin hid his head in his hands. "Oh god," he muttered before looking back up at Blackadder with an unreadable facial expression.

"I think you should go."

Blackadder frowned. "But what about my appointment with the General?" He asked although it was more of a statement than a question.

"I highly doubt General Melchett will turn up, you're not the first one he's summoned then forgotten about. So there's no point in you staying."

"Not trying to get rid of me are you Darling?" Blackadder mocked. "Besides, I want to know more about this Tristan bloke."

"I'm not talking about this with you." Kevin bit out, trying his luck despite being fully aware that Edmund wasn't going to relent easily.

"Come on Darling, aren't you at least going to enlighten me on some of the fond memories shared between you and Tristan?"

"Just leave!" Kevin warned, directing a cold hard glare towards Blackadder.

Blackadder who instantly picked up on the fact he may have hit a sore spot, stopped in his tracks for a moment before reverting back to his menacing ways. Though he couldn't deny the general interest behind his teasing manner.

"Who's Tristan then? A childhood sweetheart of yours?"

"Don't be ridiculous Blackadder!" Kevin objected, his breathing slightly heavier than before.

"One of Melchetts chums you took a shine to then?"

"I don't have time for this..."

"No on second thoughts, I suppose you prefer the ones in uniform don't you Darling?"

"He was an old friend. We enlisted together if you must know." Kevin spat, getting dangerously toward the end of his tether. His clenched fists tightening around the pencil that was slowly on the brink of snapping as a result of the tension.

"Must be a sorry state then. Havent heard of a Tristan around our side of the trenches though, probably ducked out as soon as he could if your anything to go by."

"I really insist that you stop this- "

"Bet you he's off in France somewhere with more women than you can shake a stick at if he's that way inclined-"

"I mean it Blackadder, leave now!" Kevin ordered, standing up to mark the authority in his words, praying to god that he would for once take the hint and bugger off. However, the wavering of his voice diminished any traces of superiority he wanted to convey, his breathing now on the brink of becoming unstable.

The ragged breaths he took captured Blackadders unwanted attention, who at that point realized he may have taken things too far. So in an attempt to reason with him, Blackadder resorted to using the Captain's first name in hopes it would ease some of the tension between the two. Only to discover it would do anything but.

"Kevin-"

"FOR GOD SAKE BLACKADDER, JUST FOR ONCE DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD AND GET OUT!" Darling roared, shaking with fury as he violently snaps his pencil in two. Something Captain Blackadder had never thought he would be at the receiving end of, especially not from the likes of a yellow pencil pusher like Darling.

Something was definitely going on.

Without another word, Blackadder left the building, seconds later subjected to a jump scare when a huge commotion of various clatters and clanks came from the office he'd just been thrown out of. Or more precisely Darlings desk.

Darling himself was a mess of shallow breathing and vicious ruminations of what had just happened circling madly around his mind, the many objects that usually occupied his desk lay in a disarrayed heap across the floor that he'd hurled off the desk in a mixture of panic and rage.

"Have to get out," he whispered to himself as he made a move to stand up. His already fragile state of mind messing with his senses as he trips over the chair he was sat on just a few moments ago, landing face down on the floor, leaving him to stumble out of the room with an even more bruised ego than ever before.

Just a minute after his exit, the door to the office creaked open allowing Blackadder to step through a second time, his eye diverted to the mess beneath him. He was about to observe the aftermath of his former actions when he trod on something flat, bending down to pick up whatever it was he'd stepped on, raising both eyebrows when realizing it was a diary belonging to Captain Darling.

For a moment, the book sat heavy in the palm of his hand, knowing all too well that inside contained Captain Kevin Darlings deepest thoughts, wishes, and secrets. Those which should stay hidden from his prying eyes. On the other hand, of course, Captain Darling had been acting a lot more hostile towards him since the near blackout episode he had back in the trenches, and not to mention the times he'd overheard him mumbling to himself on several occasions.

All he could confidently say was that something was plaguing him and this diary would most likely supply the answer to the question of what. Yes, it would be an invasion of Darlings privacy if he was to read it, but at the same time his curiosity and dare he say it concern for the man was becoming a little too strong to restrain.

Besides, since when did Edmund Blackadder respect the concept of privacy?

With a quick glance in both directions in the unlikely event of Darling catching him out, Blackadder swiped for the diary and shoved it inside his army regulation jacket before making his way back to the trenches.

* * *

 **Just as a small note you can expect the next chapter to be up in the next following week or so. Farewell for now!**


	7. What the fuck is luck

**Hey peeps, guess what?**

 **After you have read this chapter you will officially be halfway through this story! (I can't believe it myself.)**

 **Just as a warning, there are occasions where bad language is used in this chapter, (given its name), but you can blame Tristan for that.**

 **Anyway, thank you again to all those who have shown their support for my story and here's to letting it continue :)**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

"Dammit, you fool, you bloody fool!" Kevin roared to himself, pacing up and down his cupboard sized room and pulling at his hair so vigorously one would think he would rip it clean off.

"My god," his voice dropped to a whimper as he sank to the floor, placing both hands on the wall in an attempt to steady himself, despite having already lost his ability to remain level-headed.

This was bad, really bad.

No, this was worse than bad. Disastrous would be the more appropriate word to describe this horrendous situation. He had just done what no man should do if he valued his dignity and peace of mind.

He had allowed himself to expose his biggest weakness in front of the one man you should guard it with your life around.

He'd given his weakness a name. One Blackadder would no doubt let stick within his mind, use it as a weapon to taunt him on a daily basis as he did with his surname and twitch.

There's no way he'd be able to live this down. He could just about take the daily jibes aimed at every inch of his being, but this...

This was just too much.

Before another thought could race through his mind, a sharp throbbing sensation invaded his head. Images of the trenches and Tristan flashed upon him, whizzing through his mind so rapidly, causing the man to hiss out in pain.

Curling up into a ball as if to prevent the aggressive memories from once again engulfing him, recollections of the past continued to haunt him. Sucking the quivering Captain into his sorrows, screaming to be unleashed into the out and open...

* * *

 _That following afternoon Darling had returned to the trenches, the sounds of bullets hammering into the boy soldiers chest still raw within his mind. As soon as he entered the shoddily built shelter, with a heavy groan the fed up captain practically threw himself onto what was supposed to resemble a bed, closing his eyes as he tried to block out the sounds of gunshots going off within the distance._

 _A couple of minutes later muffled voices could be heard outside of the dugout, instantly spoiling any glimmering hopes of being able to relax. Then after having concluded there would be no chances of getting a good rest, Darling stepped outside to find a group of five or so men sat together, one of those amongst the group being Tristan trying to contain some body heat between them, against the rough chill of the bitter wind brushing through their shivering frames._

" _That Ernie fellow is a lucky bugger to have gotten out of this mess if you ask me," the distinct voice of Benjamin Thornton spoke out across the trench._

 _Although his sentence had initially earned him brief looks from the group, it wasn't until a loud grunt of disagreement from Tristan disrupted the silence, suddenly triggering genuine reactions amongst the men._

 _Soon afterward, everyone in the group turned their heads towards him, watching with bated breath when noticing his facial features burning with rage, directed towards Crilly's sidekick._

" _Lucky to have gotten out of here?! Tristan scoffed in utter disgust as he turned to address the latter._ " _What, by being tied to the chair of so-called 'honor', surrounded by the clicks of guns from those sharing his special day, all while having to listen to the celebration song consisting of the words, ready, aim, fire. Yeah, I'm sure he was grateful for being the lucky bugger chosen to get out of here!"_

 _The entire trench went silent._

" _It was just a little something between me and a few of the boys," Benjamin said in a quieter tone of voice in an attempt to defend himself._

 _However, once he'd gathered the courage to look up at Tristan, all traces of self-defense disappeared when seeing the taller man's entire body shaking with such formidable fury, that it made Darling want to take a couple of steps backward despite being a fair bit away from him._

" _Oh it was just a little something," Tristan repeated to himself as if he was a total idiot._

" _Just a little something?!" He barked. His sudden change of tone that Kevin throughout all the years of knowing him had never witnessed until this very moment reverberated across the trench, instantly gathering the attention of other men close by. But it was Darling in particular who listened closely to each and every word he spoke._

" _Listen, if you think that one day you're going to be getting out of here, then you're the butt of your own 'so-called little something'. You, like the rest of us, are never going home, never going to see your family again, and you'll most certainly never to come face to face with normality again. Get that into your thick skull Benjamin!_ _It's all very well galloping off back to the past where your mother serves your favorite meal while singing various musical hits around the dinner table, but it doesn't change the fact that this is it for all of us. All your talk of getting out of here and going back home for tea and medals are nothing more than mind fogging pipe dreams, that in the end will screw you over if a bullet to the head doesn't. So do yourself a favor and get a reality check, before your ridiculous fantasies invade us all!"_

 _Finding himself trapped within a sudden onset of shock as he watched Tristan stomp past the sulking Benjamin and into the dugout, Kevin brought a hand up to his collar which he began to nervously fumble with as Tristan's words circled his mind. Each and every sentence echoing so loudly, he almost forgot where he was._

 _As much as he wished to deny the poignant sting behind his best friends words, the fact of the matter was, his words conveyed the inevitably honest truth of the situation whether you liked it or not._

 _They always did_ _._

 _It was times like these that separated them into two totally different categories. Tristan was without a doubt the hard-eyed realist, while Kevin saw himself as the dreamy-eyed idealist._

 _He would be downright lying to himself if he said he hadn't pictured himself returning back home once or twice, the notion of it at the time seeming so real that he could almost step out into no man's land and find himself back in the familiar surroundings of Croydon. But considering how long this bloody war had already gone on for and how it showed no signs of stopping, he could feel the once happy dream of going home slipping away from his very fingertips._

 _Only now was he truly beginning to realize the harsh reality that his future of survival was totally and utterly dependant on the very monstrosity itself._

 _With his breathing heavier than before, Darling picked up his drinks bottle and took a long deep swig. Wiping his mouth once he was done, the captain let out a shaky sigh before retreating back to his bunk bed, hoping the moth-eaten blanket would swallow him up whole._

* * *

 _"A bottle of brandy has been stolen from our side of the trench, and Lieutenant Malone is the chief culprit."_

 _This being the very problem he had woken up to during the early hours of the morning, which of course Captain Crilly had obtained the responsibility of informing the general of this 'incident', who narrowed his eyes at Tristan as Crilly continued to talk._

 _"Now, as we all know sir every man loves a good drink or two, but I have come to the conclusion that Lieutenant Malone here often exceeds those limits, which alone leads me to pointing all the evidence to it being him."_

 _The general briefly nodded. "You make some good points there Crilly. Malone? Did you steal our brandy and kept it for yourself!" General Spencer demanded, pointing an accusing finger towards the interrogated soldier._

 _Darling shook his head in pure disbelief, this was just plain ludicrous. Besides, he could vividly recall Tristan saying how that particular brandy had as much taste as dried fruit that had been cremated._

 _"No sir," Tristan replied, looking at the two men's stern glares dead in the eyes._

 _All Darling could do was stare between Crilly and the general. He had never liked the man, but today was the day he truly despaired of Crilly. He was outright lying to the general in order to get his own way, and what was worse, the general was actually buying every single bit of it!_

 _"Sir!" Darling quickly interrupted, drawing the attention of the three other men in the room._

 _"With your permission sir, I do believe that Lieutenant Malone is not the man responsible for the theft and that we should formally investigate all the possibilities before making such hasty decisions."_

 _"Well if it isn't him, then who is it!" The general snapped, not once taking his eyes off neither Kevin or Tristan._

 _But before Kevin could even open his mouth wide enough to answer the general, Crilly butted in._

 _"Well since Lieutenant Malone clearly loves to express his opinions as much as a man loves to have a bit of hanky-panky, maybe we should ask him of his thoughts towards this mystery sir?"_

 _The general willingly nodded his approval._

 _"So, Lieutenant Malone," Crilly began as Kevin cursed under his breath. "As the spokesperson for our part of the trench, who would you say is responsible for the internal theft?"_

 _Tristan remained silent._

 _"Oh come on, you must have some idea. It's unlike you to be so restricted with your passion for using your gob for misconduct."_

 _"I'm afraid I don't have the faintest idea on who did it. Sir." Tristan replied, drawling out the formal term of designation._

 _Crilly hummed in thought, causing Kevin to eye him suspiciously._

 _"So what would you say to the following verdict that perhaps the hun took it? Yeah, that's it, perhaps he popped out of his hole, tiptoed across our line and took our brandy." Crilly slyly suggested, narrowing his eyes at Tristan that gleamed with delight on how everything seemed to be going his way._

 _The general gasped in disbelief. "That's a fair point Crilly, but how can you be so sure of this?"_

 _Darling diverted his eye contact onto the said captain, silently thanking the general for questioning the latter's motives._

 _"Might I suggest sir that if this brandy isn't returned by nightfall, Lieutenant Malone along with one other man of your choice, can accompany him in advancing across no mans land tonight to track it down and retrieve it," Crilly said, his highly irritating ability to successfully dodge the question in hand without as much as a raise of an eyebrow, causing palpitations to the other captain's heart._

 _"My god, what a splendid idea!" The general exclaimed, clapping Crilly on the back. "I like your thinking Crilly! See Darling, I told you having Crilly around to assist you in your backhanded duties would benefit your troops."_

 _"Yes sir," Kevin said, defeat evidence in his voice._

 _"Good, now Crilly, do you have any tactics to share with Lieutenant Malone that will ensure victory on our part?" General Spencer questioned, eyeing Crilly keenly._

 _"As a matter of fact I do sir," Crilly said in a thoughtful manner as he turned towards Tristan. " I highly recommend that if he sees Fritz asleep on his post drunk, that he skures him with a bayonet."_

 _"There you have it, Malone. Advice at it's finest to take with you for your mission this coming evening," concluded the general with a slight clap of his hands._

 _Tristan nodded slowly, seemingly with understanding. However, Kevin had known him for many years to know that it was just code for, **you bastard** **.** The way he spoke with calm vexation in response confirming that. _

_"Duly noted."_

 _"That bastard, that utter bloody bastard!" Tristan yelled after leaving headquarters, kicking a pile of dirt beside him as he seethed with fury over the current situation._

 _"I bet you anything that all this is to do with me reprimanding that sniveling snot rag Benjamin the other night, who then went squealing to Crilly like some schoolroom sissy!"_

 _"Tri-" Darling tried, only to be cut off by his friend's consistent ranting._

 _"Now thanks to that tottering toad, Crilly has the upper hand of a situation that I can only escape from by thrusting myself out into no man's land!"_

 _"Tristan..."_

 _"Oh, the next time I catch even a glimpse of Benjamin Thornton, he'll find out the meaning of reprimanding but with my fist doing the bloody talking. And as for that slandering shit Crilly-"_

 _"Nobody is going over the top!" Darling interjected louder than intended, before adding with a cunning smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth._

 _"Besides, I think I have a pretty good idea on who this brandy blagging person is."_

 _Later that evening, when it was precisely ten minutes before the organized event was to commence, Crilly was half way through smoking a cigarette just as Corporal Hathaway approached him with a piece of paper clasped firmly within his hand._

 _"Message from HQ sir," Hathaway announced as he passed the note to the captain._

 _"Excellent," he chortled when opening up the note. "Tonight's excursion is going to be a blast!"_

 _"Indeed sir."_

 _"Ah Crilly, here at last!" General Spencer greeted moments later from his office, motioning for the captain to join the others._

 _"Indeed I am sir," Crilly replied with a smile while glancing over towards Darling, Tristan and another soldier who he couldn't make out the identity of._

 _"Now, I have officially decided which man shall accompany Lieutenant Malone in just a few minutes," General Spencer declared, to which Crilly responded to with a small smile._

 _"And who shall that be sir?"_

 _"Well, I think you will agree immensely on my choice of the man who I feel is fit for the mission to reclaim our beloved brandy, being no other than Private Benjamin Thornton!"_

 _Kevin watched as the Generals announcement instantly wiped the smile off Crillys' face, even more so when Tristan moved at an angle, revealing Benjamin who was sending frightened glances towards the blond, badly attempting to hide the fact he was trembling all over._

 _"Private Thornton sir," Crilly stated, spluttering as he spoke._

 _"Indeed it is Crilly," the general confirmed, his voice chipper like Kevin's pride of having turned the situation against his lifelong foe._

 _"The minute Captain Darling here informed me on how Private Thornton and the Lieutenant have gotten on so splendidly well together in the past, I couldn't bear the thought of some inexperienced, snotty nosed, half pint performing the duty of a noble soul such as the likes of Private Thornton."_

 _"Sir, are you sure **he** is the man you wish to send with the Lieutenant? It's just I hope you don't mind me saying so, sir but Private Thornton is one of the best out of our men, and I'm not sure it would be wise to-" _

_"Sporting favorites now are we Crilly?" Darling questioned, cutting Crilly off mid-sentence, shooting suspicious looks towards the general._

 _"Ah, now sporting favorites is highly frowned upon as Darling here has quite rightly pointed out," the general added, his very words melting away any traces of confidence formerly present within Crilly's demeanor._

 _"No sir, I was just merely pointing out that perhaps a man with less of a reputation should be accompanying the Lieutenant in such a principal matter."_

 _Before the conversation could go any further there was a soft knock on the door, which the General answered with a quick "come in."_

 _Seconds later the door opened, Hathaway emerging with half the bottle of brandy tucked into his right arm, the general's office boy walking behind him. Both Crilly and the general cast him looks prompting him to explain._

 _"Sir, as you know this bottle of brandy was stolen from us in the early hours of this morning. Shortly after your plans for tonight's excursion, we caught a pair of as you would call them, spineless little frogs with half the bottle on their person, attempting to blow their own toes off to work their ticket home."_

 _General Spencer stayed completely motionless as he listened to Hathaway informing him on the report of his findings. When Hathaway was finished the general ran a hand over his forehead, seconds later turning towards the two Captains, his facial expression neutral._

 _"Well Captains, this newly sprouted nugget of information has certainly changed things it seems, has it not?"_

 _"Yes sir," they both replied in unison._

 _"Therefore, I am declaring that tonight's excursion no longer in action, Willaim, inform those involved immediately!"_

 _Moments after the office boy left to fulfill his latest task, General Spencer focused his attention back to the four soldiers. "Looks as though you've had a lucky escape gentleman. So Malone, Thornton, you may resume your duties and report back to the trenches, as can you Captain Crilly and Captain Darling."_

 _Without hesitation, they all made their way out of headquarters. Tristan and Kevin being the first ones to leave, then Crilly and Benjamin who followed suit. But it wasn't long until a certain someone decided they had some unfinished business to attend to._

 _"How did you two manage to slither out of that one!" Crilly demanded, glaring daggers towards the two smirking soldiers in front of him._

 _"The same way you managed to slither us into it," was the simple answer Kevin gave in a conceited tone._

 _Crilly growled, clearly having one or two more things he'd like to say on the matter. However, he soon thinks better of it and leaves without another word._

 _Watching as their nemesis stomps off into the distance, Captain Darling and Tristan only get enough time to share a look of triumph before being interrupted once more._

 _"Compliments of the General sir," the office boy Willaim announces as he hands over the bottle of brandy: that less than five minutes ago was to determine Tristan's fate to a hesitant Kevin._

 _"He specifically instructs you to drink responsibly."_

 _Kevin tutted. "Drink responsibly? To half of our men, that would mean getting so totally and utterly pissed that one could easily be mistaken for a corpse that litter these trenches like measles."_

 _The Generals office boy sighed in response, his silence serving as a gesture of understanding._

 _"Drink responsibly eh?" Tristan repeats once he and Darling were alone._ _"Or what he really means is, don't spill it."_

 _Kevin looked at the bottle once more before allowing a small chuckle to escape him._

* * *

 _"You wish you could have done something to prevent Ernie's death don't you?" Tristan abruptly asked one evening during their time on patrol, his question catching the captain off guard._

 _Kevin opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, though no words came out. Instead, he could only focus his mind on the strange behavior his friend had been exhibiting, ever since the heated confrontation between him and Benjamin Thornton a couple of days ago._

 _Even now Tristan's current act of pacing up and down the dugout with such intensity he could be easily mistaken for the General himself, was out of character from the easy-going, witty person, he knew him as. Even more so when he began to_ _aggressively_ _slam the army baton within the palm of his hands as if he were to swing at anyone who tried to approach him._

 _After a minute or so of silence, Tristan answered his own question._

 _"I understand, Ernie was just a kid who like every other man here had the over glorified so-called honor of joining the army thrust upon him, only to find himself one of thousands to meet their 'justified' heroic fate. "_

 _The way Tristan's tone became sharper as his response went on didn't go unnoticed by the captain._

 _Gulping as he yet again struggled for the right words to say, Captain Darling could only study his friend's facial expression, which could only be described as the portrait of morose. Seconds later Kevin found himself reaching out to pat his friend's shoulder, only to be drawn back to the present by a sharp head motion._

 _"You've got that questioning look on your face," Tristan blurted out, directing a stern glance towards the latter._

 _"Um well," Kevin began only to come to halt soon afterward as his ability to speak did a disappearing act, mentally cursing himself when his speech showed no signs of returning._

 _"I know what you're thinking," Tristan filled in for him when picking up on Darlings sudden awkwardness._

 _"You do?" Was all he could think of to say. But it was enough._

 _Tristan sighed. Those shoulders which usually carried his confident demeanor that laughed in the face of fear slumped, his entire body having given in to displaying the mental exhaustion felt by each and every man around them, causing the man to collapse into the mud. His facial expression was pretty much the same, however, beyond the exhaustion and prolonged anger towards the war lay a speck of sadness, lingering within the very corners of his creased eyebrows and pursed lips._

 _"A bloody wonder isn't it? How we claim that all the men we kill are for the glory of our king and country, to make him proud to be our leaders. But yet all I feel in the midst of the so-called glamorous action is this numbing pain that grows as each day passes. I am constantly haunted by images of those I've seen lose their lives and of those I've killed. Every time I hear a gunshot I'm instantly back to the moment I ripped the life away from a young German lad who couldn't have been older than twenty. All I did was watch as the light faded from his eyes, the hand that gripped his gun, the only weapon he was armed with sliding from his grasp and I'm supposed to be pleased about that!?"_

 _Captain Darling couldn't say a word, his throat felt as if it had closed up completely._

 _His mind was now back at the moment Tristan had come face to face with an enemy soldier just mere inches away from potentially ending his life, and in a mixture of profound shock and fear, he'd shot him on the spot. He had kept the incident to himself for a further few days before confessing to the Captain when he stumbled across the body whilst having his so-called meal._

 _Everything Tristan had said was hitting home a lot harder than he imagined it would, and it was bloody heart wrenching, to say the least. So instead he listened, absorbing his every word, reflecting on them in his mind._

 _"How can I feel proud to be a soldier when in reality all I am is a murderer?! In the eyes of those leading us, see it as a deed done for the benefit of our country, but that doesn't soothe my soul, nor does it repair the gaping holes torn within my conscience, to me, its just a pointless act of murder for the sake of hatred. Back in headquarters, the men we kill and who get killed are just more casualties of war, but they're wrong! They have a family back home, who will always remember and cherish their existence, the very thing we've taken from them. What right do we have to be the ones that get to live on and they don't? All those who lie dead because of us and yet were still alive, the monstrosity of it all is just too much, a-a-and I don't think I can handle it."_

 _Kevin closed his eyes just as Tristan finished his rant, trying his best to figure out what to say in response, one he knew his friend would be seeking for._

 _"You're right, all this killing and hatred, it doesn't make sense," Kevin admitted softly, diverting his gaze to the ground._

 _"Sense? Wheres the sense in any of this!" Tristan yelled, his voice wavering a little. Swiftly turning to face the other way, he's unable to look at Kevin in the eye. The Captain hadn't seen Tristan in such a vulnerable state since the devastating betrayal of his fiance Fiona._

 _Despite his efforts to conceal his bundle of emotions, Kevin knew for a fact Tristan was on the verge of a mental breakdown._

 _After recalling the numerous occasions Tristan had supported him throughout his life wobbles and self-induced mishaps, now it was time for the roles to be reversed._

 _"Listen!" Darling commanded, grabbing Tristan's arm to make him look at him in the eye._

 _"We may not be able to take back all the suffering, killing and sorrow amongst the men who have served this godforsaken chaos, but we shan't allow this war to destroy us and everything we've worked so damn hard for in our lives, do you know why? Because we have each other! That's right, we have each other to lean on when it becomes unbearable to handle as we always have done in the past, we have each other to prevent ourselves from going insane amidst the disarray, we have one another to ensure we survive to live the way we wish to when this godawful war has ended. This knowledge will be the very reason why we shall live through this and do whatever the hell we want to once its over!"_

 _"I mean we could go on to live as Hermits, alive and happy in a cottage somewhere if we wanted to!"_

 _Tristan cocked his head at the mention of hermits, accompanied by a wheezing chuckle, prompting Darling to mumble something about it sounding better in his head._

 _Looking up at the Captain, Tristan lets a watery smile escape him. Moments afterward his chuckling transforming into genuine laughter, having understood the point behind Kevin's rambling._

 _Darling breathes out a sigh of relief as he watches Tristan stand back up from his defeated position, glad that his best friend was back on form._

 _For a moment he'd truly believed in what he'd said to Tristan as an act of comfort to be possible._

 _As much as he despised to think about it, he couldn't help himself from thinking, what with the madness of this war driving everyone stuck in the trenches day after day to insanity, how long would it be before either one of their dreaded demises became reality?_

* * *

 _It had been just after sunrise when Captain Darling and his company became victim to an enemy invasion._

 _Soon they are firing at the Germans charging towards their trench, witnessing many of his own and enemy soldiers fall to the ground, some twisting in agony as death devours them. As the fight for victory continues to slaughter through the lives of hundreds of men, a proportion of them finding themselves suffering from various injuries ranging from a bullet in the leg or arm to gut wounds, leaving those affected subjected to a prolonged painful death._

 _With every minute more the attack went on for was a constant reminder of how not every bullet would miss, as yet another soldier collapses to the ground having taken his last breath. Yet they had to press on, firing blindly at the Germans. Yes, some of his men would make it, but luck wouldn't be on their side forever if even such a thing existed. No one knew who would be next to fall to the ground and never to rise again. But what he did know was that for most it was only a matter of time._

 _That thought alone for Kevin at least was the true meaning of fear._

 _Perhaps Tristan had been right all along._

 _After what seemed like a bloody eternity, the fighting eventually stopped. Those remaining of Kevin's company having to move to safer trenches as a result of losing yet again another significant amount of men._

 _"You know, some would say were the lucky ones," Darling said over his frantic heavy panting._

 _"Luck?" Tristan retorted in between deep breathes, "what the fuck is luck?"_

 _"Well gentlemen," came the voice that could only worsen the situation. "I'll tell you what luck is, it has bugger all to do with anything. If a bullet has your name on it there's nothing you can do."_

 _"What a ray of sunshine you are," Tristan mumbled as Crilly continued to natter on._

 _"But if not, all I can say is it's only a matter of time before your turn to snuff it grabs you by the ne-"_

 _Crilly's sentence was abruptly cut short when a bullet from out of pure nowhere struck him through the center of his helmet, causing the man to drop to his knees before collapsing right beneath Kevin's feet with a huge thud._

 _It was at that moment when Kevin stumbled over his footing, landing in Tristan's arms who caught him in a mixture of protecting himself and preventing the captain from falling to the floor. Seconds later leaping out of the Lieutenants grasp when catching sight of a small square object lying in front of the dead Captain's hand._

 _Picking it up off from the dirt, Kevin flipped the item over to find it was a photo of a young lady with two little boys who looked to be around six or seven, one stood either side of her. To the right was Crilly himself holding a baby girl in his arms, smiling fondly towards the camera. Kevins facial features instantly softened when realizing that the smile he wore in the photo wasn't the usual snarky, sinister one he'd often presented to him, this was a genuine smile based out of pure love and cherish towards his family._

 _"Captain Henry Crilly was a father," Tristan spoke aloud for the pair of them, while Kevin could only open and close his mouth as if he were mimicking a goldfish._

 _Both men could do nothing but stare at the terrifyingly still shell of a man, who less than a minute ago was happily taunting them. The very man who had bullied him throughout his life was now just another body amongst a long line of fallen soldiers, lost to the destructive wrath of war. Leaving his family with an empty void that was to never be fulfilled again._

 _As both Kevin and Tristan begun the process of recollecting themselves, Kevin clutched at his chest when a sudden feeling of constriction enveloped him, soon attracting Tristan's attention when he heard a gasp of pain escape from the Captain's mouth._

 _"Captain, are you ok?" He asked, voice laced with concern._

 _"I-I will be," Kevin answered with a heavy stammer, before rushing past the Leuitenent with attempted grace._

 _Once certain he wasn't within company, Captain Darling allowed himself to crumple to the floor, the pain in his chest having intensified. It was only after ten minutes or so did the feeling finally subside, leaving him a little out of breath. Gathering the strength to get up off of the floor, Kevin dusted himself over multiple times as he thought about the chest pain that occurred. Something he had a feeling he would be experiencing more often._

 _Looking towards his left, the Captain let out a world heavy sigh as an abrupt thought entered his mind, demanding to be heard._

 _Kevin detested the use of strong language even at the worst of times, but just this once he had to let himself say it._

 ** _What the fuck is luck?_**


	8. Such a poor sport

**Hey peeps, guess who's back?**

 **ME!**

 **I just wanted to say I'm very sorry for taking nearly a year to upload this chapter, and I understand if virtually no one is interested in this fic anymore. However, I am now back and on the bull as it were! Oh have life and mental health issues get in the way!**

 **Sorry if the scenes involving Blackadder seem a little OOC, It's just I've never been great at writing his character, please don't hurt me. *Cowers away***

 **Anyway to those who are somewhat thrilled to see this, enjoy!**

* * *

"What have you got there sir?" George joyfully questioned, peering at the diary tucked under Blackadders arm.

"Oh, just some dribble that cretin Darling has written, which is bound to have some juicy bits on how I've tortured him over the years," the captain replied, glancing at the diary.

"Ah, some pretty advanced stuff eh?" Said George, smiling up at the captain as he sat down on his bunk.

"Well as advanced as our tactics to go about this damn war."

"I saw something that was pretty advanced," Baldrick claimed from beside the Lieutenant.

"Oh really?" Blackadder said, not at all impressed.

"Yeah, only the other night there was word going around that one of our men saw a German soldier with two heads and two bodies sir!"

"Oh yes," George added. "I say those Germans have really reformed their weaponry, some very frightening stuff if you ask me, sir!"

"Or..." Blackadder interrupted. "Could it more likely have been, two German soldiers standing next to each other?"

"Er... Yes, I suppose it could have been," George sheepishly admitted moments after giving the captains statement a little thought, while Baldrick wore a look of bewilderment.

"Right, now that our advanced conversation has drawn to a close, I would like to get on and read this," was the last thing the Captain had to say before dismissing the brainless duo.

 _Perhaps I can find something worth blackmailing him over the next time he threatens to compel me over the top._ The captain thought to himself while preparing to read the book. Then he remembered the _real_ reason he was about to snoop through Darling's diary.

Regaining his position, Blackadder eventually banished all thoughts of blackmail as he turned to read the first page his finger landed on.

* * *

 _March 23rd, 1915_

 _Two weeks have passed since Crilly's death and it's only fair to say that being the official Captain of the trench has been somewhat different, or dare I say not as superior as I thought it would be._

 _For starters, I have recently become overwhelmed at just how much of a strain the rank of an officer has on a person. Having to order a group of soldiers as well as friends, with no desire to spend another minute battling through the madness of this war was a struggle on my behalf. As were the numerous occasions I was forced to yell at those who refused to obey orders. Even as a couple of these times resulted in a soldier's immediate journey to the firing squad, I couldn't shake off the immense guilt that every so often pinches me. Something Crilly had always been immune to._

 _Another thing that's been plaguing at my mind are the letters I've had to write to many families of dead soldiers within my platoon. The letters were to be straight forward and to the point, without a touch of sincerity or even an acknowledgment of the fact they had selflessly risked their lives for this monstrosity. Crilly was a particularly hard one to write for, as despite my long term dislike for the man I couldn't help but feel sorry for his relatives who now had to adjust to life without him. His children without a father, his wife without her husband._

 _I can't even bear to imagine the look on Doris's face if I was to die._

 _Matters weren't made any easier when it took the General an entire week to come to terms with the fact that Crilly had been the one shot in action, not me._

 _All I can do is take each day as it comes._

* * *

 _April 9th, 1915_

 _I don't even know where to begin with this one._

 _I've been in this trench for several months and within that time I've seen plenty of disturbing sights to fill a book as big as the bible, however, what I'm about to write maybe one of the worst experiences I've had to date._

 _Every day we lose more of our men, where, when and how doesn't even come into it anymore. But we lose them by the second which is quite evident by the large number of corpses that litter these trenches, most of them buried where they fall. That and the various scraps of food left on the ground attracting rats, this being the very reason our trenches are swarmed by the buggers._

 _But what did it for me was while Hathaway and I were on patrol, I stumbled across a group of bodies of those who had died at least a week ago. From the corner of my eye, I saw flashes of grey scurrying under the remains of the dead men's greatcoats. I'm pretty sure I was having palpitations throughout my entire body as these enormous rats fat with human flesh ran out in front of me, the poor sod they were feeding off displaying a grimacing face; stripped of flesh and his eyes devoured._

 _Let's just say I saw my dinner twice that day._

 _Then there was my little one to one with Private Benjamin Thornton, who understandably since Crilly's death hadn't been himself and had ignored orders, but this is the war where desperation and logic were foreign concepts. To tell the truth, I had little energy to yell at him so instead, I had a quiet word with him. At first, he didn't respond to me at all. It was only after I sternly told him that despite me not wanting to have to court Marshall him, I would have to if he continued to disobey orders that I got an almost inaudible but detectable "yes sir."_

 _He almost sounded grateful._

 _So would I if I didn't have these sodding chest pains that felt as if I had a rope attached to my lungs, squeezing the living daylights of out them. Or perhaps it's what's left of my sanity speaking to me._

"Trust him to go into every single possible detail," Edmund muttered before turning the page.

* * *

 _May 13th, 1915_

 _These chest pains have an unpleasant warmth to them. I can only describe them as sharp daggers frequently pressing down to the deepest depths of my internal organs, each and every prick the equivalent to being scolded by boiling water._

 _Then there's the nausea which although doesn't completely weaken me, it is just enough to make me hold onto whatever I can grasp for support at the time. All while slowing down my breathing._

 _Recently I have also noticed that I've been rather restless. I can't seem to focus on anything beyond ten seconds before my mind wanders elsewhere. My thoughts are jumbled as if a hurricane has been let loose inside my brain, tossing various notions in all directions._

 _All but one._

 _Death._

 _It's constantly on my mind, as it must be for most who join me in this godforsaken war._

 _Death is everywhere I look. It's strewn across these trenches, its repulsive smell drifts around the air we breathe, even the guns we use bellow for all to hear. When will this ridiculous mass slaughter end?_

* * *

 _June 8th, 1915_

 _I can sense something's lurking around the area and I'm not talking about the stench of the trench. I fear this could be a sign that we're going in for the kill at any moment_ _._

 _Times like these make the harsh sting of reality dig in that bit deeper._

 _Tristan's the only one keeping me sane amongst all the rabble and vice versa. Truth be told I would be lost without him during these difficult circumstances, especially since the everlasting suspense continues to loom over us. However, he isn't exactly in the best of health._

 _Over the course of several months, our health was expected to decline given our horrific living conditions, but not as dramatically that I see whenever I look at Tristan. His face unshaved, sunken with exhaustion, his frail stature caused by our limited rations. His skin pale from many sleepless nights from shifts in keeping watch for the Germans, that and having recently acquired a relentless hacking cough. But the one thing I've noticed above everything else I've listed is how he seems numb to it all. It's almost as if he no longer cares for his wellbeing, which is silly of me to think considering the fact he'd have deserted long before now if he didn't._

 _Although that being said, if what I highly suspect will happen goes ahead, we'll be bargaining for a lot more than just our health._

* * *

 _June 9th, 1915_

 _I was right._

 _We are due to go over the top in less than an hour. I can already picture myself assembled into a line with Tristan and Hathaway either side of me, along with many other ill ridden, worn men. All that will be in our line of vision will be the trench ladders we'll have to climb, once the signal to knock at death's door screeches upon us._

 _I wouldn't be surprised if some of the men were experiencing a despairing hope that should they get wounded, not fatally, but severe enough to be be taken out of this loathsome ordeal could be their ticket back to Blighty. Then again looking across that dreadful slough ahead of us, even the thought of a wound was best forgotten. If you were badly hit, unable to move, what hope was there of being carried out of it?_

 _Even in our own mindsets, we're trapped inside this endless cycle of carnage._

 _Now it's all just a matter of time before our waiting game is over._

For a moment Blackadder looked strangely perplexed. Seconds later having shaken off the shock as he turned over to the next page, drawing to a halt when he saw the page was blank.

"Oh dear sir," George stated with a frown. "Looks like Captain Darling hasn't written a single jolly word about you."

"Of course he has," the captain retorted adamantly. Only to find out that George had indeed been right after flicking through the rest of the pages, all without a single word in sight.

Slamming the diary shut, Blackadder let out an exasperated huff.

"I should have known he'd be about as informative as a nun doing a talk on sexual intercourse!"

"Oh come on sir, why don't you just ask him about what you're after?" George chirped, doing his best and failing to be helpful.

"Because in case it has escaped you, Lieutenant, Captain Darling and I get on about as well as a pair of squirrels fighting for the very last nut in the tree."

But then again, not everybody knew that.

All of a sudden Blackadder's facial expression lit up a little when a tidbit crossed his mind.

 _Hathaway…_

"Baldrick!" Blackadder called as he rose to his feet. "We have work to do."

* * *

After having done a bit of digging and lying to the General, he managed to find a Corporal Robert Hathaway in the field hospital who had recently been subjected to a devastating bullet wound.

"Corporal Hathaway?" Blackadder asked, gaining the attention of a dirty blond-haired man sat loosely on the hospital bed, shooting them a look of disdain.

"Who wants to know?" The man in question inquired, raising an eyebrow towards the two men he'd never until now encountered.

"I am Captain Blackadder, and this is Private Baldrick," Blackadder introduced, briefly directing a hand towards Baldrick.

"Baldrick huh?" Hathaway contemplated. "Odd name for a bloke."

However, Hathaway's impassive facial expression morphed into one of intense disgust when noticing a rather pungent smell radiating from Baldrick. Moments later, the Corporal shuffled far back into the bed as he could to escape the unpleasant smell.

"Bloody hell, does he always smell like that?" Hathaway asked, slightly choking on his words.

"Well actually sir," Baldrick began before Blackadder could tell him otherwise. "You see to cut a long story short when I was little I used to play in the gutter and-"

"Oh," Hathaway interrupted. "Could it be shorter?"

"Well, what happened was-"

"Really short, like your life expectancy."

At this Blackadder smirked slightly.

"Erm…"

"Right marvelous!" Hathaway concluded before Baldrick had a chance to get another word in.

"Glad you liked it, sir," said Baldrick with a triumphant grin. "Shall I tell you another?"

"Private, have you ever heard of sarcasm?"

"No sir, but if you sing a few notes I might recognize it!"

With an exasperated sigh, Hathaway shot a helpless glance to Blackadder who immediately got the hint.

"I believe what the Corporal is trying to tell you is to kindly get lost," Blackadder explained to the very much still confused Baldrick.

"But I can't sir, I know my way around."

"Really Baldrick. In that case, go find the latrines."

"Yes, sir." Baldrick then walked off to complete his latest task, leaving the two men relieved from the burden of Baldrick's presence.

"What is the purpose of your visit?" Hathaway spoke, breaking the silence between the two.

"I am here to ask you a few simple questions about a soldier who you used to work with back in the trenches."

"And who may that be?

"Captain Darling."

As soon as those words left his mouth, Hathaway's expression softened. After spending a minute or so staring into the distance in deep thought, he turned back towards the Captain.

"Strange, he never mentioned knowing a Blackadder?"

"We were always such distant friends," Blackadder lied.

Seemingly to have bought his lie, Hathaway then said, "what is it you wish to know?"

"What happened on June 9th that made him leave the trenches?"

Hathaway's eyes briefly widened at the delicate nature of the event in question, shifting uncomfortably before working out what he was going to say.

"We all knew each other from school, a tight-knit group we were. Kevin and Tristan got on particularly well," Hathaway stated, eye contact not fully focused on the Captain.

"As time passed we became close friends, but I could tell there were things they knew about each other that they wouldn't have dared told another soul, in our small part of the village there weren't many opportunities for a bond like theirs. Then when this war began neither of them knew how to feel about it, I joined up straight away believing it was my duty, but they questioned that belief. It wasn't until two months down the line that I saw them in traditional uniform, my mouth practically fell to the floor in shock that day."

"What happened?" Blackadder interrupted, instantly irritating Hathaway though he didn't bother to voice it.

"Several months later they like me had seen their fair shares of horrors were sent over the top. You know how it is with all the mud, blood and constant shooting of guns, well both Captain Darling and Leuitenant Malone had managed to fall off track after a couple of shells had exploded near us and there was no way of detecting where they were, so we just had to wait. It didn't take long before more shells exploded and that's when I heard yelling coming from behind me, however, when I got there I discovered it was Captain Darling who was doing the yelling, hysterical he was, no matter what we said or did nothing would calm him down. I couldn't spot any signs of injury so I had to shoot him in the leg to give him a justified reason for the screaming. It was then I realized that Tristan wasn't with him."

Silence then filled the air as neither man spoke.

"Right, well thank you for your time Corporal Hathaway," said Blackadder who eventually broke the cold atmosphere.

Hathaway gave him a small nod before one final thing came to mind.

"Blackadder, the next time you come into contact with Captain Darling, tell him I'm sorry."

This time it was Blackadders turn to give a simple nod before making his way back to the trenches.


	9. Wailing walls of war

Today is the worst of all days.

It was barely even the early hours of the morning and already he found himself outside for a smoke. A habit he'd picked up on just a couple of days after his initial arrival.

It had nothing to do with Generals Melchetts senseless bleating, that was something he'd almost grown accustomed too.

Nor was it the fact that there hadn't been a renewal of coffee rations this week, leaving him to make do with just foul-tasting water.

Not even an encounter with Blackadder could square up against the agonizing reminiscences of his past.

Taking a huge drag of his cigarette Kevin squeezes his eyes shut, exhaling deeply as he scrubs at his face. The second the date had changed he'd been trying to mask the effects of his troubles without much success. Truth be told, today is one of those days he was glad that General Melchett and every other man he happened to come across were oblivious to such signs of mental distress.

God did he wish Tristan were here. He'd have helped him cope through the mentally exhausting and ridiculous tasks he was made to do that often left him feeling weary, though working for Melchett it was practically inevitable. Then there were the frequent pests that came swarming into the office like a tribe of body lice, otherwise known as Blackadder, George, and Baldrick. He often thought what Tristan would have made of the four of them.

The Captain was then snapped out of his thoughts by a loud rumble of thunder roaring above him.

Grunting, he began to make his way back inside, only at some point to have lost his footing, resulting in landing face-first in a huge pile of mud. His uniform instantly caked, along with half his face submerged into the slimy brown substance. Instead of getting up and spending the next ten minutes reprimanding himself for his clumsiness, he continued to lay there motionlessly.

Diverting his gaze towards his dirt-covered hands, Kevin took a shuddered breath as he began to subconsciously smear the mud within his fingers tips onto the palm of his left hand. Seconds later all traces of collecting himself gone as he was yet again swept back to the past.

* * *

 _"Do you know what all this mud reminds me of?" Tristan questioned, looking at the wet pile of mud piled within the palm of his hand, gently squeezing it as he spoke._

 _Kevin made no attempt to reply. Instead, he remained on his bed silently staring up at the roof, the aspect of going over the top the following day weighing heavily on his mind._

 _Tristan sighed, he too experiencing the frightening reality of death coming to personally greet them. "It's kind of strange in a way, here of all places where misery and despair loom over every corner of these trenches and yet the fondest of memories spring to mind."_

 _At this Kevin turned to face his friend, a pondering look spread across his facial features. He hadn't seen Tristan so peaceful in weeks._

 _"Kevin, do you remember the day where we had that massive mud fight with Crilly and his friends?"_

 _The Captain let out a small chuckle as the said memory came to mind. "Yes, yes I do," he confirmed moments later, having moved to sit right next to Tristan._

 _"I recall that day as if it only happened yesterday," Tristan let out a deep breath, getting caught up in the joyous memory. "The look on Crilly's face when I challenged him to a mud fight, of course, he and his mates accepted and off we went. You wouldn't touch the mud at first, but a few snide remarks and you dived straight in and gave it a good old hurl. It truly was a wonderful throw. Only thing was, you managed to hit my gran instead."_

 _Kevin shuddered as the very woman's face fired up with fury entered his vision, her hollering demand to know who dared to toss mud at her ringing in his ears. Even to this day she still scared him._

 _"By the time my gran had wiped the mud off her face, Crilly and his gang had scarpered. I knew you wanted to come clean, but you were shaking so hard that you would have barely been able to get a word out in edgeways, so I told her it was me. God, did she not half yank me by the ear and give me a good old bollocking for that."_

 _A small smile crept its way across the captain's lips. The two men then took a moment to look at each other, Tristan's facial expression making it obvious he had more to say._

 _"But then you did speak out and although my gran went absolutely haywire at you, you stood there and took it without retracting your honesty which was when I knew you and I would be good friends to this day."_

 _"Well, not much has changed since," Darling admitted, unsure whether to add a small chuckle for good measure._

 _Instead, Tristan pitched in with his own merry laughter. "Perhaps not, but in the end, none of that matters because it's the good times we've had together that count."_

 _Kevin hummed in agreement, allowing himself to direct a small smile towards his friend which was gladly returned._

 _"And...It's memories such as those that I wish to carry over the top with me."_

 _For a moment, Kevin stiffened. Unsure of what to say, he took the fragments of silence as an opportunity to mask his ingrowing emotions. Though in the end, all it took was a comforting pat on the shoulder to realize, the silence they shared had become a token of a mutual agreement between them._

* * *

Scrambling to recover from the abrupt flashback the captain hastily made his way back to the office, only to stop dead in his tracks when the sight of his menacing nemesis Blackadder filled his vision. Meanwhile, Blackadder himself grimaced slightly at Darlings sudden appearance, hoping to have been able to slide his diary in one of his draws.

"What on earth are you doing here?" Kevin demanded testily, blue eyes glaring daggers into the other captain's brown ones.

"Oh you know, just visiting because I thoroughly enjoy being within your company Darling." Blackadder drawled out, hoping his insolence would serve as an excuse to avoid the dreaded task ahead.

"That isn't the reason and you know it Blackadder, so tell me what it is you want then leave," Kevin snapped as he took off his coat.

"Why that isn't very hospitable of you Darling, aren't you at least going to offer me a seat?"

"The only seat ill be offering you will be up against the wall in front of a firing squad," Darling spat, patience already wearing thin.

"You say that as if it _hasn't_ happened before."

"Right!" Darling cut in. "I havent got the time to have this pointless conversation with you; if you don't have a real reason to be here then leave."

Instantly picking up on the twitchy Captains unease, Blackadder decided on a more subtle approach.

"But what if I have something of interest to share with you." His attempt at turning down his usual cocky persona earning him an exasperated groan.

"I _really_ don't have the patience to deal with you today..."

Blackadder sighed. "Alright," he admitted in a slightly softer tone. "I might have stumbled across this little thing the other day, but rest assured that it didn't come to any harm."

Darlings eyes widened throughout Blackadders confession, twitching sharply when the said Captain pulled the diary from out of his pocket and into his hand.

"What?!" Darling growled before standing up from his desk chair, slowly approaching the other Captain who remained composed.

He knew this wasn't going to be easy.

Watching as Darling snatched the diary from his grasp, Blackadder couldn't deny hoping that this would be the end of the matter. However, just moments later all senses of hope vanished when the twitchy captain's eyes widened. His breathing now a series of frantic shallow breaths as a horribly believable theory suddenly hits him.

"This isn't the page I left it on!" Kevin exclaimed, flicking through the pages in desperation for it to be nothing more than some twisted hoax at his expense.

Blackadder licked his lips in awkwardness. "Well, one or two pages may have unwillingly presented themselves-"

"Y- YOU MEAN YOU'VE BEEN R-READING IT!" The enraged captain screeched out through gritted teeth, his face turning red with suppressed rage smoldering within his narrowed eyes.

This time Blackadder couldn't respond. He knew he'd crossed a line as soon as he'd picked up the book, and now he was going to face the consequences.

Looking up at the ceiling Captain Darling let out a long shaky sigh, shaking his head in disbelief at what was happening. "Not this, anything but this," Kevin muttered to himself, slowly turning to face Blackadder with a heaving grunt. His entire body shaking with fury and bottom lip wobbling furiously, ready at any given moment to erupt into a fit of frenzied yelling.

"Oh god, Blackadder! Out of all the disgraceful, dishonorable and outright treacherous things you have done to me over the years, which believe you me there's plenty to mention. Like the time you tricked me into eating a dead slug by pretending it was a licorice all sort, getting that madman Flash heart to knock me out cold, making snide remarks about my surname on a daily basis, but this... This tops it off to a whole new level of infernal impertinence!"

Still very much stunned into a state of silence, Edmund found himself in an unusual search for words, soon catching the attention of the Generals tiresomely angry assistant.

"Ha! That's turned you white, hasn't it?" Darling sneered, getting a kick out of Blackadder's lack of a response. "Oh yes, you can't wriggle out of this one. What you've done breaches all personal principles, it will be a dawn appointment for you at the firing squad once I inform the general you've been spying at staff headquarters. There's no hope for you this time, you're really for it now Blackadder!"

But just as Darling began to approach the said Captain he abruptly jolted backward, placing a hand on the center of his chest. Moments later he finds himself squatting, his breaths coming out in gasps as the room begins to spin before his very eyes. Immediately capturing the attention of Blackadder.

For a split second, Blackadder did nothing but stare at the quivering form of a man who just a minute ago was picking him apart, limb by limb. But now the tables had turned, he hadn't planned or in fact wanted things to get to the extremes they had.

"Darling!" He called out in hopes of the tiniest chance in pulling him back to the present. After shouting both his second and first name repeatedly, he switches to a different tactic.

Meanwhile, the said Captain was now on all fours, bordering on the fetal position. His thoughts accelerating inside his head, heart hammering inside his chest. Then amongst the ear-piercing buzzing, he hears footsteps. There's a distant look in Kevin's eyes as he takes a few scrambled steps back, this goes on until he bumps his head against the wall like he wasn't expecting it. For a second Darling hesitates before crying out in sheer agony, his twitch going at a million miles per hour.

At this point Blackadder had made a move to lock both the doors leading straight to the office, hoping whoever may come to see the General would think a private meeting was being held and bugger off. As for the General himself, let him be damned. What would he do? Threaten to court marshall him? He'd already faced the firing squad once before, what difference would it make now? Besides, that thought of it didn't scare him anymore, _not now._

Returning back to Darling who was practically hyperventilating, Edmund Blackadder crouched infront of him, leaving a fair distance between the two of them. " Kevin listen to me, calm down. You're in your office, just calm down!"

For a moment, the twitchy Captain seemed to have calmed down, falling into a state of stillness.

Suddenly he explodes into motion, his eyes are wild then he starts speaking, the words come tumbling from out his mouth as if he doesn't have enough time to say what he needs too. His sentences are fragmented, jumping from one thing to another.

"Kevin?"

Looking up he can hear a voice, he can't tell who it belongs too. The words it spoke bounced off of him like hard rain. He's distracted by a white presence slowly creeping up on him, glowing over him, engulfing his surroundings. The disembodied voice calls out once more, all going to no avail, his mindset held to ransom.

* * *

 _Kevin and Tristan stand side by side, awaiting their orders to advance. Nothing but the rusty trench ladders they're to climb over any time now in their field of vision. The unfamiliar silence usually bombarded by the sounds of gunshots, only adding to the intensity of their endless waiting game. Both seemingly lost in their own thoughts._

 _Out of nowhere came the dreaded high-pitched whistle._

 _They were off._

 _Losing himself in the turmoil of events, Kevin manages to scramble up the ladder and land in a heap on the dirty surface. Behind him are those struggling to get over the top, some having successfully gotten help, while others were shot down in an instant. Some not even making it up the ladders_ _._

 _But amongst all the chaos, Tristan's nowhere to be seen._

 _Despite his worries, Darling continued to dart through the mud resembling thick brown porridge._

 _No man's land is just as ghastly as he feared._ _Looking everywhere around him, he's surrounded by brutality and murder._ _Planes fly overhead, all armed with their individual weapons of destruction._ _Groups of men running beside him suddenly fall to the ground, one by one. A morbid reminder that no one is safe from the wrath of war._

 _Darling manages to fire a few shots, a couple of them killing the enemy. None of this sent him that spark of joy he was allegedly meant to feel, he just felt guilty, guilty of being part of such a barbaric ordeal. Absorbed in his thoughts, he almost doesn't notice the small object flying towards him_

 _"Captain, watch out!" A terror-filled voice yells. A firm grip around his shoulder pushing him to the ground, merely missing a shell exploding somewhere above his head._

 _Taking a minute to register who had saved him from a brutal demise, he manages to raise his head just enough to look into the eyes belonging to his best friend._

 _"Tristan-"_

 _"Come on we need to keep moving!" The said Lieutenant interrupted, grabbing Darling by the arm._

 _In a blur of seconds, they're off again, fully aware the enemy are attacking from all angles._ _The incessant uproar of gunshots ringing in their ears, all while dozens of shells explode all around them. Many unearthing the bodies of previously killed soldiers, once fine young men now being tossed up into the air._

 _The next shell hurled their way catches the pair off guard, forcing them to retreat into a water-filled shell hole. Clumsily making their way down, both men are left knee-deep in mud, gasping for air._

 _"We should be alright down here for a while," says Tristan, though his look of uncertainty says otherwise._

 _Darling lets out a heaving cough, the acrid smell of stale gunpowder enveloping his nasal cavities. From a distance, he can hear a series of piercing screams as more honorable men take their last breath. Each body that plunges to the ground yet another poor soul cheated off a normal life, whose remains are now scattered across the battlefield._

 _Scanning the area for any potential threats, he detects a series of movements from another shell hole close by. Taking the opportunity to strike if needed Kevin awaits for conformation until a familiar face draws him to a halt._

 _"Benjamin?" Kevin questions aloud, attracting the attention of Tristan who joins him in looking out for the said man._

 _"Benjamin!" Tristan shouts more urgently. "Thank god it's you, get over here!" he adds,_ _his former dislike towards the latter forgotten._

 _Just as Benjamin pokes his head out from the top a bullet strikes him, slicing him right in the eye, causing him to fall back down as quickly as he'd got up._

 _Moments afterward they find themselves shooting at the Germans, that's until Captain Darlings gun runs out of bullets. Fumbling about in his side pockets where he kept his extra bullets he wastes no time in shoving them inside, only for his gun to jam up, leaving him potentially unarmed._

 _"C-come on!" Darling cries out, his desperation to get his gun working again winding him up more. Then from the corner of his eye, he notices another gun placed beside him. Looking up, he finds Tristan attempting to tug out a different one wedged firmly into the ground just a few steps away._

 _"Tristan, take cover! The Germans are shooting, get down!" He cries just as more shells explode nearby._ _"Come on, get down, please, get down with me!"_

 _"For god sake, leave the gun!" He adds as a group of bullets whizz by, causing the Lieutenant to tumble back down with a pained grunt._

 _Before either man could speak multiple explosions tore up the land, some just mere inches from where they had retreated too. It wasn't until the commotion stopped that they realized they were huddling against one another. Shaking vigorously, they could feel each other's adrenaline rushing through their systems. It was then that Darling noticed the heavy breathing dominating the atmosphere wasn't his._

 _"I d-don't think this is what our parents would have had in mind when they told us to get stuck in with the great outdoors," Tristan said in between ragged breaths._

 _Flinching as yet another shell smacks the ground Darling clutches the gun up to his chest, the machinery being his only source of protection. Diverting his gaze towards Tristan, he can see the terror radiating from his pupils. This wasn't the friendly mud fight they had as kids, there was no coming back if you got caked in the stuff, nor were there second chances. This wasn't a game, this is a case of Russian roulette where if the latter got to you first, there was no redemption._

 _Suddenly he feels a hand gently squeezing him on the shoulder. "Good luck out there, Kevin Darling," Tristan says, his voice soft with emotion._

 _Before he can reply both men are back on their feet, their former place of shelter abandoned. Firing blindly at the enemy,_ _unsure whether it's making a jot of difference. Throughout the rapid running, they both lose their footing several times, cutting themselves on the barbed wire buried deep underground, drawing blood from their hands and knees._

 _All Kevin can think about is how dangerously far behind him Tristan is, despite his attempts to keep up he's not quite making it. He takes a few steps back to help his friend get back on his feet. They take off beside one another, both grateful for having avoided death for at least another moment. The next thing he knows he's caught up in a vicious attack, causing bits of dry mud to be dislodged into the open air, huge chunks of it whipping the Captain so hard he tumbles face down onto the ground._

 _Moments later he finds himself laying there up to his eyes in dirt, coughing profusely Captain Darling spits out the bits of mud that had gotten into his mouth. He then slowly sits himself up, pain searing throughout his entire body._

 _Trying to regulate his breathing somewhat, he is successful in doing so, until something dawns on him._

 ** _Tristan._**

 _"Tristan?" He calls out, picking himself up with undeniable difficulty._

 _"Tristan!" He yells, louder and with more force. When his efforts for a response go to no avail, a wave of panic sets in._

 _"Tristan!" Kevin tries again, only to trip over something in the process. However, as he picks himself up for the second time, a horrifying realization hits him. Eyes widening to the size of saucers when the object he'd stumbled upon was no other than Tristan._

 _Stumbling backward, he lets out a pained, mournful cry as he stares at the mangled form of his childhood best friend. The bottom half of his body blown clean off, openly displaying his intestines bleeding freely onto the ground. What remained of his upper half lay in_ _a disarrayed heap, his head positioned at an awkward angle, eyes glaring blankly right at him._

 _The Captain n_ _ow succumbed to the intense rush of panic circling his veins, tension grew in his facial features as his breathing becomes more rapid, his shallow breaths making it impossible to control himself. His vision starts to blur as the overwhelming impact of the sheer horror takes its toll._

 _"Tristan!" He wails, emphasizing on the second to last letter of his name._

 _"Tristan!"_

 _"Tristan!"_

 _What little is left of his sanity unravels before him. He's howling like a distressed dog, the flesh on his face shaking with fear, body quivering violently. He attempts to scrabble upwards, only for his footing to fail him each time. His hands claw at the mud as he continues to scream and cry hysterically, gut-wrenching sobs only interrupted by his need to draw breath, fat tears of anguish sliding down his cheeks. His tortured soul yelling for justice._

 _"Tristan get up now, that's an order!"_

 _"Tristan get up, that's an order!"_

 _"Tristan, please just get up now, I command you to get up now, that's an order!"_

 _Looking down Kevin's taken aback to find one of Tristan's severed hands resting on his left leg, accompanied by another blood-curdling scream at his gruesome discovery. It was at that very moment when it all hit him like a runaway train._

 _Tristan had tried to hold onto to him._

 _For safety._

 _He needed him._

 _But now he's gone._

 _No longer would he be able to laugh at their shared jokes, he would never hear him talk or see him walk ever again. Death had claimed his life and devoured it_

 _It's all his fault._

 _He ran away._

 _"Captain! Captain Darling!" Comes a shout nearby, the said Captain completely oblivious to what's going on beside him. Despite several attempts to shake him out of his haunted trance, nothing works._ _His mouth hangs open, an eternal silent scream. Puffy, tear-stained eyes staring blindly into the middle distance._

 _Seconds later he enters another fit of frenzied screaming, fighting the pair of hands trying to hold him down without success._

 _"Sorry sir I have to do this," says a voice which he can't comprehend. Then a sharp throbbing pain rushes through his right leg, causing the Captain to yelp._

 _He continues to yell and struggle against the pair of hands holding him back, until an overwhelming thick static invades him, draining him of all feeling until all goes black._

* * *

 **Hey peeps, authors note is down here for a change.**

 **I don't usually do this, but I'm asking for those who read this to leave a review as this chapter means an awful lot to me as a writer. I have spent longer working on this very chapter than I have working on the stories overall plot. Your opinion will mean the world to me as this was a hard one for me to write.**

 **Before I go I wish to say that the next chapter will take some time to upload as I'm currently focusing on looking for a job, and once again thank you to those who read this chapter!**


	10. At war with oneself

**Hey, peeps welcome back after two months... Nope, I'm not proud of the long-time period but it is what it is.**

 **Anyway, there are two things I need to say before we continue and one of them is that this chapter may seem a little out of context from the show and that Blackadder may seem OOC because this scene is how I want my story to go. Yes, it's all very well to go along by the main principles of the show but this scene is how I felt it should be.**

 **Secondly, I am astounded at the amount of support this story is getting, I mean I know there are better ones out there than this one but I am still so grateful for everyone who has decided to give my story the time of day and comment their praise (and/ or criticism.) So a big thank you to all you lot and I hope this chapter does it justice!**

* * *

"Kevin!" Comes the repeated phrase ringing in his ears, at first coming across fuzzy as the flashback begins to ease off.

A small whimper escapes the Captain's lips, soon followed by a multitude of twitches. All while using his right hand to navigate the wall in an attempt to pick himself up, his efforts going to no avail when falling back down with a thud.

With his surroundings slowly fitting back into place, the captain seized up, eyes darting around the room as if he were an imprisoned zoo animal. Unfazed by the stray tear trickling down his cheek.

Struggling to catch his breath Darling continues to examine the area, only to stop when the same voice from before captured his attention.

His breathing still somewhat shallow, he slowly cranes his head up in order to identify the source of the sound. Drawing to a sharp halt when his slightly moist blue eyes met with protruding brown ones tinged with concern, looking down on him.

"Blackadder!" He screams, yanking himself up from where he'd collapsed and grabbed the other captain roughly by the coat, before slamming him into the wall. Seconds later he's brandishing his gun at Blackadder's forehead, his hand shaking furiously as a look of distorted rage plasters his tear-stained face.

"Darling, what the hell are you doing?!" Blackadder yelled, eyes as wide as saucers when realizing the position he found himself to be in.

"I'll tell you what I'm doing!" Kevin spat venomously, tightening his grip on Blackadder's coat. "I am finally setting things straight, to get it all off my chest and to shout it openly!"

"What?!" He yelled again, desperately trying to make sense of the situation around him.

"Shut up!" Kevin roared, spit flying into the latter's face. "You and your goddamn insolence have always been a bloody nuisance to me, but now, oh yes now I get the final word!"

"Captain Darling, calm down," Edmund responded, somehow managing to speak with calm authority amidst the emotional clerk.

"Don't you tell me to calm down Blackadder! How can one calm down when his suffering constantly flashes upon him? How can a man possibly remain sane when all those around him perceive him as a good for nothing coward? A weak-minded desk sucking, pen-pushing, blotter jotter with no moral right to be considered a man because he's seen more blood, filth, and destruction than he can take!"

"Dar-"

"You haven't witnessed the real horrors of this war! You haven't had to come face to face with the harsh reality of death, sorrow, and despair! For god sake, the closest you've ever come to fighting was when you came across ten thousand Watusi warriors armed with fruit!"

At this, Blackadder fell silent.

"Before this bloody war started I had a life, I had friends, close friends, who unlike you didn't take pleasure in making feeble jokes about my surname! Oh, those were the days alright, the days where I happily kept wicket for the Croydon cricket team, held down a steady job, had a loving girlfriend and surrounded by mostly a good group of people without a bloody care in the world. Then once this blasted war began, my entire existence became a shamble of shooting while watching all those close to me get taken out one by one! Yet I'm the coward?!"

All Blackadder could do was trace the other captain's every move with wide eyes, uncertain of what was about to follow. Meanwhile Darling had taken a moment to recollect himself into a reasonably calmer state of mind.

"I bet that's taken you by surprise, hasn't it? That this so-called prissy office boy has witnessed many good men get wiped out by various diseases and gas attacks, that this blithering idiot with a rumored paper clip fetish has actually fired his gun before! And not just at the Germans, but his own men. One of whom was just a boy! Fourteen years old, nothing more than a child and I had to shoot him for wanting out from this monstrosity!"

Blackadder is stunned into silence, allowing the words to pour out from Kevin's soul.

"Then there was Crilly, a loathsome, despicable, highly irritating but nowhere near as infuriating as you became next to face the clutches of death. Do you know what happened to him?! A bullet caught him right in the center of his head, practically fell on my lap, ended his reign of torture there and then! But that didn't mean I wanted to watch as a cluster of oversized rats callously devoured his remains without any remorse whatsoever!"

Darling took another deep breath, dangerously close to hyperventilating.

"Then there was the equally as aggravating friend of his Benjamin, just a sheep of a man who followed Crilly around like a bloody lost puppy. But that didn't mean that I wished to see what little thought he had within that fogged mind of his be disintegrated in a single blow under my command!"

"Then Tristan, oh god, Tristan..." Kevin trailed off, exhaling sharply through his nose. Moments later he's doubling over, letting escape a sequence of noises crossing between a gag and a strangled yell.

Eyeing up the quivering captain, Blackadder remained silent. Watching as Kevin fought desperately with his twitchy eye to avoid movement, newly unshed tears threatening to drip down his cheeks at any given moment.

This Tristan bloke had obviously been Kevin's only source of comfort amongst all the madness brought on by this war, against all those who perceived him to be a coward, Blackadder himself included.

Then for the first time in his entire existence, Blackadder felt his heart sink to the very pit of his stomach.

Never until now had he even considered that Darling, Captain Kevin Darling, the uptight, insufferable, devious smug bastard who got a kick out of being as far away from the battlefield as Baldrick was to exhibiting intelligence, was amongst the disturbingly long list of men suffering from shell shock. His constant twitching should have been some kind of inkling towards the possibility of shell shock, but when your only thought process is what dirty trick needs to be pulled in order to survive this goddamn war, the welfare of others be damned.

But for once he was about to put his own welfare at risk.

"Shoot me."

"What!"

"I said shoot me."

"Don't tempt me Blackadder!" Kevin snapped, raising the gun a little higher.

"I am unarmed, there's nothing in your way to prevent you from killing me off, " Blackadder offers as a response, agitating Kevin further.

"Don't test my patience!" He snarls, teeth grinding together as if struggling to come to a decision.

"You know as well as I do that you've been hoping for the even the smallest possible chance to be rid of my existence, once and for all."

"I mean it Blackadder!"

"Then shoot me"

"That's it, I can't take this any longer!" Darling screeched, brandishing the gun right at Blackadder's forehead.

Blackadder can only stare into the other captain's fury filled blue eyes, a concoction brewed from years of having every inch of his being scorned for the satisfaction of others, oppressed rage and intense pain radiating from each and every vein of his body. His gaze quickly moves onto Darling's shaky hands squeezing at the gun, forefinger held firmly against the trigger. However, it soon becomes apparent to him that the enraged Captain's grip is quickly loosening on the weapon, his breathing harsh and labored. Looking up, his eyes are now squeezed shut in an attempt to block out his surroundings, the trembling of his hands intensifying by the minute. Despite the constant twitching, traces of tears can be detected leaking out from tightly sealed eyelashes, shoulders heaving with distress as his arms lower ever so slightly.

The echoing sound of steel clattering against the floor jolts him back to reality, the gun Darling had been holding now just mere inches away from Blackadder's foot. Seconds later he's back on form in time to see the other captain's knees buckle before him, gradually collapsing to the floor with a small thump, tiny whimpers filling the atmosphere. It's at least a good couple of minutes before all goes quiet.

"What happened to him?" Blackadder inquired, voice more gentle than perhaps he'd have liked.

Captain Darling swallowed hard, rapidly shaking his head as if it were an attempt to fight off the intruding memory. "He was with me, we went over the top."

"Then what?" He continued, this time refusing to back down.

"The Germans attacked us, explosions everywhere, Tristan fell behind. I had to go back to him. He tried and tried but he couldn't keep up, and then..."

"And then?"

"We got caught up in an explosion, he tried to hang on to me!"

"He tried to hang on?" Blackadder questioned, trying his best to make sense of it all.

"Yes! He needed me, he was relying on me in order to survive, I was supposed to ensure he made it out alive and I... I..."

"You what?"

"I RAN AWAY!" Darling wailed, letting out a mournful cry as he buried his face in his hands. _"I ran away..."_

Blackadder lets escape a sorrowful sigh. "Kevin…"

"Don't even try it Blackadder! Darling cut in. "I'm a coward! A rotten yellow, good for nothing, selfish, insufferable coward! I admit it! Just say it Blackadder, I know you want to. For god sake man just say it!" **  
**

"Kevin," Blackadder interrupts for the second time, although his tone is undeniably softer than the last. "Unless Tristan was trying to grope you from the behind as a final act of declaring his undying love to you, I rather suspect he let go, hoping that you would survive."

"W-what?" Was all Darling managed to choke out, utterly gobsmacked at what he was hearing.

"He must have thought you were worth saving." Edmund continued. "That and realizing there was no point in you _both_ dying."

Sniffling loudly, Captain Darling could only raise his head enough to briefly look up at Blackadder before averting his gaze back down to the floor.

 _Had he sacrificed himself so he could live?_

 _Could that be true?_

His train of thought cuts off as a flurry of tears overcome him once more. But unlike before, his cries quickly simmer down to a series of soft whimpers, his breathing becoming more regulated with every breath he takes.

"So," Blackadder began once everything was remotely calm, having sat beside the other Captain who shared his counterparts wish to lead their confrontation in another direction. "What do you think Tristan would have made of me then?"

"You wouldn't have been the best of friends Blackadder," was all Darling had to offer in response, letting a world heavy sigh escape him.

"Thought not," Blackadder concluded, emphasizing on the T.

For the following five minutes, neither Captain spoke. Darling, in particular, sat there absorbing the silence. Eyes closed, trying to make sense of the world once again. But what really gets him is this strange warming sensation tingling inside his chest, almost like a sigh of relief. Then it suddenly dawns on him that this moment of what could only be described as tranquility was the first time in months, or perhaps even years he'd felt at ease.

"Will you be informing the General about this?" Darling eventually breaks the silence, regret weighing on his tone.

It takes a minute to get a response. "When I joined the army the kind of people we liked to fight were two feet tall and armed with grass, even spears made us think twice. Then suddenly, four and a half million heavily armed Germans wove into view. It was a shock I can tell you."

"B-but that doesn't answer my question," Kevin stammers, fearing the worst was inevitable.

"In other words, I have no desire to reprimand a man who has put his life on the line to serve this senseless carnage, only to have been exposed to horrifying ordeals beyond one's imagination and forced to relive such abrasive memories."

"Edmund?"

The said captain slowly stands up and walks towards the desk, picking up several disarrayed objects along the way. "Not many men would openly tell you this Darling, but you're a braver man than any of the generals who sit here, deluding themselves into the notion that sending millions of men to their death will somehow give them a sense of power and entitlement."

Kevin doesn't quite know whether to thank him or be skeptical of his unexpected actions. But in the end, he settles for a small but appreciative nod. It wasn't until moments later that a tingling sensation niggled at the back of Captain Darlings' throat, signaling for him to do the impossible.

"Thank you, Blackadder," was his eventual whispered response, just about loud enough for the latter to hear.

Having intended to leave the room straight afterward, Blackadder was about to turn towards the door when that niggling feeling Kevin had been subjected to moments ago threw itself upon him.

Pausing his attempt to retreat, Blackadder took one final look at Kevin who returned the gesture.

"For what it's worth Kevin, I'm sorry."

With just the sound of muffled footsteps then the door shutting swiftly behind him, Darling lets out a world-weary sigh. In need of steadying himself, he places both hands onto the desk to find a familiar square object pressing against the palm of his left hand. Quickly recovering from the minor shock Captain darling gently cups the diary to his chest, breathing out another sigh of relief. Seconds later he's reaching out to open it when a sudden bout of realization hits him, carefully skimming through the pages he notices that the mini bookmark he'd specifically constructed had now been put back in its original place.

After an intense minute of studying the small book, Darling opens the very top drawer of his desk to slide it inside. Once the drawer slams shut Kevin makes his own way out the office to his cupboard sized room, certain his mind would be replaying all that had occurred this very day.

* * *

 **Yup, the ending isn't perfect but the fact of the matter is that it's the best I can do with it, plus I'm sick to death of this chapter after working two months solid on it.**

 **So, peeps, we are approaching towards the end of this story as a whole... Just two more chapters to go! I think you can tell what they will focus on. HOWEVER, I shall be putting a couple of my own twists and turns into it :) But for now just sit back and relax while I work my magic!**


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